Lights Will Guide You Home
by luvaddek
Summary: A story in which Addison and Derek make their marriage work and rebuilt a stronger relationship.
1. Chapter 1

Addison couldn't take her eyes off the little bundle of joy in her hands. She was mesmerized by her few hours old daughter and her divine beauty. Being an experienced doctor she knew sometimes newborn babies look funny after birth with blood and bruises from natural blood process. But her daughter looked gorgeous from the moment she was born. Addison skipped a heartbeat whenever her daughter fluttered her eyes open and gazed into her mothers'. It was unbelievably awesome. Addison had this brand new person in her hands whom she had never met before. But she felt as if she already knew her. She was exactly like how Addison had imagined her first child would be. 10 long and slender fingers and toes, rosy cheeks, silky soft skin, hints of red hair, blue orbs hiding behind the eyelids and a small dimple to top it all, a perfect combination of Addison and Derek.

"Emily! Emily Vivian Montgomery Shepherd!" Addison whispered staring at her precious jewel.

Naming the Forbes-Montgomery-Shepherd heiress wasn't easy. Addison preferred a unique (and pretentious if you asked Derek) name for their daughter. But after meeting her daughter her instincts told her that she was Emily.

She slightly tiled her head to see Derek's reaction. Derek thought about the name for few moments and then nodded slowly once he felt satisfied with the choice.

"Emily Vivian Montgomery Shepherd" Derek repeated smiling contently.

He inched closer to Addison on the small hospital bed to have a better look at his little princess. He had one arm wrapped around his wife and the other one protectively around the baby peacefully sleeping on her mother's chest. The moment was surreal. Derek felt if there was anything called heaven this was it.

Outside Addison's private room the hospital was running as usual. There was rush to admit patients, receptionist and secretaries were shouting to get the work done, nurses were rushing around burdened with unending work, interns were hunting for surgeries, surgeons were running around to save lives and in between all this chaos people were peeping through the blinds to get glimpse of the Shepherds' princess.

But Addison and Derek were oblivious to any of this. They were in a different world where nothing else but they and their little princess existed. They had often imagined how it would be to hold their baby for the first time, to be parents. But what they were experiencing was beyond anything that they had anticipated. With the birth of their daughter their life had completely changed in a single moment. They were no more just Addison and Derek. A new life was attached to theirs forever. Their every single action was going to impact an innocent life. They were responsible for shaping future of this new soul.

But they weren't scared. They understood it was a huge responsibility. But when they decided to start a family they knew they were ready for it. They were Addison and Derek and it was time to add a little one to the mix.

Amelia lingered outside Addison's room smiling at Addison, Derek and their new born. She didn't want to disturb their intimate moment but she couldn't hold herself back for too long. After all she was also a part of this family.

"Can I take a picture of the happy family?" Amelia asked peeping through the door.

Derek gestured her to come in. She clicked some pictures to send to their eagerly waiting family.

"So how is my God daughter doing?" she asked settling on the bed.

Derek scoffed at her presumption. "What makes you think we will make you her God mother?"

"The fact that I held her mother's hand while you were stuck in OR." Amelia replied pointedly.

"Oh please don't remind me that." Derek groaned. He already felt terrible for missing his child's birth. When Addison's water broke, he immediately rushed back home to bring her to the hospital. He stayed by her side throughout the afternoon but the labor was progressing very slowly. Being a Chief of Surgery he couldn't delay few hospital matters for long and then there was an emergency requiring his experienced surgical skills. Unfortunately his daughter chose that moment for her entrance in the world. Derek constantly talked to Addison through the intercom in the OR, but as the labor progressed Addison couldn't handle the stress alone. That's when Amelia stepped up to comfort her sister-in-law. She was the one who cut the umbilical cord. As soon as the critical part of the procedure was over, Amelia and Derek switched places. But still he felt guilty for missing the birth and first few minutes of his daughter's life. He was grateful that his little sister was there with his wife when he couldn't. Addison and Derek exchanged a glance and decided to formally ask Amelia to be their daughter's God mother.

"Amy, would you be Emily's God mother?" Addison asked.

"Of course I will be! Emily? Is that her name?"

"Yes. Emily Vivian Montgomery Shepherd". Derek announced proudly.

"Emily Vivian that's sweet. By the way who's my God husband?" Amelia asked stealing an apple from Addison's gift basket.

"God husband? What is that?"

"Dude! Emily's God father. I am her God mother so whoever is her God father will by theory of transitivity be my God husband." She explained. Derek just rolled his eyes at her weird logic.

"Well Derek gets to choose that one. We agreed that I will choose the God mother and Derek will choose the God father." Addison answered. "Honey have you decided who do u want Emily's God father to be?"

"I think we should go with Karev." Derek replied.

"Really? Karev? I don't believe you are making that smart ass your baby's God father." Amelia was never shy in expressing her opinion.

"Well my other option was Archer." Derek said scrunching his nose. Till few years back Mark was the undisputed choice for the roll. But now he was out of picture and they didn't have many options in Seattle.

"Oh so you chose the least of the two devils?" Amelia chuckled.

"Yeah right. But actually that guy took good care of Addie during her pregnancy. We both appreciate everything he has done for Addie."

Amelia nodded in understanding. She didn't like the guy much but he was good to Addison.

Emily caught everyone's attention by fluttering her eyes and waking up from her short nap.

"May I please hold her?" Amelia asked, rubbing sanitizer on her hands.

Addison carefully handed the newborn to the younger woman.

"She is the cutest baby on this planet!" Amelia declared. "Aren't you the cutest bunny? I am your aunt. You can call me Aunt Amy. I am the coolest of all your aunts. I am going to take to Paris for your 13th birthday. We are going to have so much fun together." Amelia continued talking animatedly to her youngest niece.

Derek and Addison watched them with a proud smile. While Amelia was lost in baby talk, Derek broached the topic which he had been avoiding. He enveloped Addison's hands in his own and began talking softly.

"Addie, I am so so so sorry for not being with at the time of delivery. You can't possibly imagine how terribly sorry I am for missing our daughter's birth."

Addison was moved by the sincerity in this voice. "Derek it's all right. I understand your commitments. It's one of the perils of being married to a brilliant surgeon."

"Really? You are not mad at me?" Derek eyed her skeptically.

Addison just shook her head smiling. Derek sighed in relief. "I thought you will hold it against me for a long time."

"Honey I know you wanted to be here and that's what matters." Addison assuring him.

"Thank you." Derek said pecking per lips.

When Emily started fussing Amelia returned her to Addison. She kissed the top of her niece's head and reluctantly left to attend her patients.

Shortly after that Alex came to check on Addison and the baby. He was a second year resident now and had chosen to follow Addison's footsteps in ob/gyn and neonatal. He had come a long way since his early internship days. Addison saw good potential in him. He was also eager to learn everything that Addison had to offer. He felt honored when Addison trusted him to be her doctor.

"Everything looks perfect." Alex declared after thoroughly checking the baby and the mother. "Addison, how are you feeling? Is there any pain or discomfort that I should know about?" He asked gently.

"I am feeling on top of the world" Addison grinned.

"Good to know. And how is my little patient? Is she eating properly?"

"Your little patient's name is Emily. And we both want you to be Emily's God father." Derek announced.

"Really? Me?" Alex was surprised. No one had ever trusted him even for babysitting their kids. So being asked by his mentor to be a God father was a big thing. "Cool. Thanks."

He took Emily from Derek and cooed her a little. "Okay Emily. It's time to say good night to your parents. Let's go to the nursery to have a sleepover with other babies." Alex said putting her down in the crib.

"Whoa. Slow down dude. You are not taking my baby away from me." Addison protested reaching for the baby.

"I am not taking her away from you. She will be right down the hall in the nursery. Addison you have been through a long labor today. You need to rest and so does she. Let her be in the nursery for tonight till you feel little better." Alex calmly reasoned with her.

"No. I won't leave her alone in the nursery." Addison argued.

"She won't be alone. Your neonatal staff which you have trained so well will look after her tonight." Alex replied patiently putting his bedsides manner to good use.

"No. I won't let her out of my sight even for a second. She is staying here with me." Addison declared adamantly.

Alex looked at Derek for help but he just shrugged helplessly.

"Stop being a royal ass Addison. You know I am right. This is what you advice to all your patients. So just shut up and let me do what is right for you and your baby." Alex barked at her.

"Don't shut me up. I am your boss." Addison shot back.

"No, right now you are not my boss. You are just an annoying patient and I am your doctor whose instructions you are going to follow." Alex replied sternly.

"Addie, please don't be so adamant. Honey, you have been through a lot today. You need good sleep. Don't you want to be fresh in the morning when we take our daughter home?" Derek tried to convince her.

"Fine. Let me at least say goodnight to her." Addison compromised shooting deadly looks at Alex.

Alex handed the baby back to Addison and waited patiently for 10 minutes while Addison and Derek bid goodbyes to their daughter.

"Good night sweet heart. Sleep tight. Daddy will come to bring you back early in the morning. Till then mommy's friends will take care of you. Love you lots." Derek reluctantly handed Emily to Alex and stood in the doorway till Emily was out of sight.

"I already miss her." Addison grumbled.

"Me too. Let's take her and run home." Derek suggested mischievously. "I can't wait to take her home."

Addison nodded resisting a yawn.

Derek smiled at her. Addison looked exhausted and excited at the same time. Derek smoothed her hair, planted a kiss on her forehead, tucked her in the blanket and pecked her lips kissing her good night.

"Goodnight Addie. Try to have some sleep. Once we go home we probably won't be getting straight 8 hours sleep for next I don't know how many months." Derek said getting in the make shift bed beside her.

"Good night Derek. Thanks for bring her in my life." Addison whispered closing her eyes.

In the midnight a sound of rustling sheets followed by light footsteps woke Derek up.

"Addie, are you alright? Do you need anything?" Derek asked rubbing his eyes.

"I want to see Emily. I can't stay away from her. I was sneaking to the nursery." Addison admitted sheepishly.

"I already tried that but the nurses didn't let me in. They are acting on Karev's strict instructions." Derek confessed.

Addison sat back on her bed "I can't sleep. I am way too much excited."

"Me too." Derek said joining her on the bed.

"We work here. You are the chief. I am head of neonatal. We should be able to get in the nursery whenever we want." Addison complained.

"I am sure we can if we pull our ranks but that will upset the people who are trying to help us. We don't want to offend them. Do we?" Derek asked gently rubbing her sore back.

"Fine. We won't barge in the nursery. But we can still sneak out and have glimpse of our daughter. Her crib is near the right side's window. We can stand outside and watch her from the window." Addison proposed.

"That's a great idea." Derek grinned jumping from the bed. He then helped Addison to stand up. They ensured that the corridor was empty before stepping out.

"There she is." Derek smiled locating Emily's crib.

Addison grinned and stepped closer to the window. Derek followed wrapping his arms around Addison. Emily was sleeping peacefully in the dimly lit nursery, like a divine Angel.

"We made her." Addison whispered.

"We did." Derek had a smile permanently plastered on his face. He was beaming with pride for creating something so perfect.

Addison was overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. She was excited for the future. She wondered how her daughter will turn out. Whether she will prefer the rains or the slow? If she will be a city girl like her mom or would be a country person like her dad. Whether she will play piano or be a ballerina? Whether she will be interested in any sports? Whether she will be interested in medicine? Whether she will join either of her parents' specialties? Her daughter had a whole life ahead of us. Her life was a clean canvas without any past, mistakes and regrets. It was her and Derek's responsibility to make this blank canvas into a beautiful painting.

Addison thought about their past, their mistakes and their regrets. Tears rolled down her eyes. She remembered her lonely New York days, Mark, the cheating, Derek leaving her, Meredith, coming to Seattle, giving him the divorce papers, Derek giving her another chance, those early terrible days in Seattle, ripping off the band aid, moving in with Derek, countless nights spent together like strangers, Derek's devastating confession on Christmas Eve, the nagging thought of walking away that sometimes creped in her head, Derek requesting her not to leave him, Derek taking small efforts for restoring their relationship, moving out of the trailer in an apartment, building a house for a family and finally deciding to have a baby. The journey wasn't easy. It was slow and painful. They hit lots of bumps on the way. Often it felt like 2 steps ahead and 10 steps back but then they also managed to sprint towards their happily ever after. And now they were here content with the life they had created.

"Hey what are you thinking about?" Derek asked bringing her back from her trance.

"Nothing I was just thinking about past few years."

Derek noticed the tears and panicked out of reflex. Addison wiped her tears and gave him an assuring smile.

"I was just thinking how lucky I am. There was a time when our marriage was on a blink of divorce. We were so close to losing it all. Sometimes I feel it's a dream and when I wake up all of this will be gone." Addison admitted her fears, letting out new string of tears.

"It's not a dream. It's real. I and Emily are not going anywhere." Derek promised her. "We were very close to losing it all but we didn't. We made it through everything. We survived the storm. Addie thanks for believing in our love when I didn't. Thanks for staying with me when I was pushing you away. Thanks for putting up with me when I was at my worst. Thanks for patiently waiting for me. Thanks for building a new life with me. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being in my life and loving me so much." Derek said with teary eyes. Both of their cheeks were soaked in tears.

They had been through a lot. They had drowned and hit rock bottom. But they bounced back and built a perfect life.

People say you can't have it all. But Addison and Derek proved them wrong. They showed the world that life could be perfect. True love is never lost.

* * *

A/N: Is anyone interested in knowing how Addison and Derek reached to this point? This is a story in which Addison and Derek make it work and save their marriage? It won't a very fluffy story, will have some august and lots of subtle romance. Please share your thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't resist joining the Addek resolution. I hope you like this story.

* * *

Three years ago – somewhere in middle of season 2.

Derek looked up from his Blackberry when a familiar scent of Channel filled the elevator.

"Hey" He straightened himself and greeted his wife.

"Hey you!" Her mouth curved into a smiled on seeing her husband's handsome face after two whole days.

In spite of living under one roof they didn't meet each other because of their busy schedules. Addison rushed to the hospital early in the morning when Derek was fast asleep and because of Derek's late evening surgeries he reached home quite late when Addison was deep in sleep. Even in the hospital their paths hardly crossed.

"There you are!" She said reaching for him. "Will you be home for dinner tonight?" Addison asked fiddling with his lab coat.

"I don't know. I have a surgery scheduled at 6. I may stay here if it gets too late." Derek replied keeping his phone back in the pockets.

"Will you at least inform me about your plans?" She asked hopefully.

"Sure. I will call you after the surgery." Derek replied half-heartedly. "Are you headed to the ER?" He asked realizing they were both going to the same floor.

"No. I got a call from reception. Darby said someone is there to see me."

"Me too! We both have got a visitor! That's strange." Derek thought out loud.

Who would want to see them both? They didn't know many people in Seattle. The mystery was solved as soon as they stepped out of the elevator and saw a young brunet flirting with a tall masculine guy.

"Amelia!" Derek and Addison both shouted simultaneously. Addison's eyes lit up while Derek's brows bumped together in a scowl.

"Amy what are you doing here?" Derek asked suspiciously eyeing the young man standing beside her. The guy sensed the tension between the girl he just met and his boss and silently slipped away.

"I needed a change of scenery so I decided to bless Seattle with my presence." Amelia announced pissing off her brother with her flippant attitude. She wasn't expecting any grand welcome from her brother and thought it was better to be cocky than needy. He was anyway going to look down at her no matter what she did.

"Couldn't you bother calling us before showing up at our place of work?" Derek didn't waste a chance to express his disapproval.

"I didn't want to kill the surprise." Amelia replied with a cheeky smile, not letting Derek kill her mood.

Addison nudged Derek aside and went ahead to hug her favourite sister in law. "I missed you. I am so excited to see you. It's been so long." Addison said pulling her towards the waiting lounge.

"I missed you too. We have so much to talk." Amelia smiled awkwardly relieved that someone was happy to see her.

Derek dragged his feet and followed the girls wondering what to make of his sister's surprise visit. Amy was hurricane. She always brought trouble.

"Does Mom know you are here?" Derek asked interrupting Addison and Amelia's happy chatter.

"Yes she does. Everyone back home knows that I am here. They sent their love." She replied squeezing his hand. Before he could interrogate her further she added "I had few days off so I thought I will come here to meet you guys. Can't you try to hide your irritation and pretend to be happy to see your little sister after so long?" Amelia asked throwing herself down in a plastic chair.

"We are happy to see you Amy." Addison answered on Derek's behalf. "It's just that if you had told us in advance we would have cleared our schedules to spend time with you."

"That's okay. I don't want to disturb your work. You carry on. I will meet you at home in the evening."

"Fine. Where are you staying?" Derek asked softening a bit.

"What do you mean? I am staying at your place." Amelia stood up shoving her hands in her pockets.

"Amy we live in a trailer. There is barely any space for us. We can't host any guest in there. You will have to stay in a hotel." Addison told her apologetically.

"Oh my God! I can't stay in a hotel. I can't afford it. I am broke." Amelia admitted preparing herself for a grand lecture.

"Could you be anymore reckless? How could you jump in a plane for vacation when you don't have any money? And why don't you have any money in the first place? You are a doctor. You get pretty decent stipend." Derek started bombarding her.

"I have a student loan. And I spent rest of my money for buying birthday present for mom." Amelia mumbled ducking her head. "I thought you guys will let me stay with you. I knew about the trailer but I thought it was like a weekend home. How can Addie stay in such place? If I knew you guys really stayed in a trailer I would have arranged something else."

"Hey I have Archfield's membership and lots of credit points which are about to expire. You could use them." Addison offered to save the situation. At that moment Derek's pager beeped and he dashed off without even a goodbye.

...

"Is she gone?" Derek asked wishfully when he saw his wife in doctor's lounge after few hours.

"I had to check few patients so she took my car and went ahead to the hotel. I booked her a room in Four Seasons. Archfield was full." Addison updated him.

Derek just shook his head and went to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"What?" Addison questioned noticing his grim expression.

"Addison, you need to stop enabling her. She is not going to change if you all keep supporting her reckless behaviour." Derek lectured her, sipping his coffee. "I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she flew across the country without even having money to pay for her accommodation. How crazy is that?" Derek continued taking a sit beside Addison.

"Derek she didn't expect that she would have to arrange her own accommodation. She was coming to visit us. We are Shepherds. We don't make our family stay at hotel. We fit 30 people in a 3 bedroom house and snuggle under one blanket. We don't make our family stay at hotel."

"You speak as if you were born Shepherd." Derek said lightly nudging her.

"I am a better Shepherd than you are." Addison knew all her sisters in law will agree with her.

"If she was running on such a tight rope she shouldn't have opted for a vacation at this time. She needs to learn to manage her finances. This is typical Amelia. She never thinks about consequences because she knows no matter what her sisters are going to bail her out."

"Derek, give her a break. Everyone with a student loan runs on a tight rope. And I don't think she is here for a vacation. Let's be honest. If she wanted a vacation, you will be the last person she will come to. I think there is some reason why she is here." Addison voiced her suspicion.

"May be." Derek agreed. "But she is Amy. She won't spill the bins so easily."

"Do you really expect her to open up to you when you are constantly gruelling her?" Addison asked raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know how to deal with Amy. If I go soft on her she will run all over me and if I am strict she runs away from me." He confessed burying his face in his palms.

...

Next morning Derek sprint to the attending lounge when he got the page which he was waiting for. He had requested the receptionist to inform him as soon as Addison arrives at the hospital.

"You didn't come home last night." He stared at her stating the obvious.

"I stayed with Amelia." She replied tilting her head up to put refreshing drops in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asked placing a hand on her lower back.

"Headache, hangover. I and Amelia stayed up till 2 last night and drank little more than we should have." She admitted banging her throbbing head on a locker.

Derek was supposed to join the girls for dinner but he couldn't. Something came up at the hospital. Amelia was relived and even Addison didn't mind having some girl's time with her favorite sister in law. As Derek wasn't there to spoil their party they spent the night drinking and dancing. They definitely had the time of their life but now Addison was regretting it.

"Amy also drank with you?" He asked, squinting his eyes.

"She doesn't have a drinking problem Derek." Addison reminded him thinking he was worried about her addiction.

But that's not what he was thinking. "If Amy was drinking, that rules out her pregnancy." Derek thought out loud.

"What?"

"I have been wondering why she is here. Her pregnancy was on top of my list. But her drinking rules that out." Derek explained. "By the way what's going on in her life? Does she have a boyfriend?"

"If you are so curious why don't you ask her yourself?" Addison patted his back and left, refusing to divulge anything so that he would have to talk to her directly.

...

After sleeping till noon Amelia came to the hospital to have lunch with Addison. Addison dragged Derek along with them to the nearest pizzeria. She was hoping for a casual family lunch but Amelia and Derek managed to turn any trivial topic in spiteful argument which ended in Amelia walking out on them.

"Really Derek? You meet your sister after a year and this is how you behave?" Addison demanded folding her arms.

"Don't tell me how to behave. You are not my mother." Derek said waving the waitress to bring their check.

"You never hesitate to tell Amelia how to behave. You need to stop treating her like an idiot."

"Oh please don't start that decade old speech. Mine and Amy's relationship will always be like this. Just accept that and mind your own business." Derek said slamming his credit card on the table.

"This is my business. This is my family. Don't you dare imply otherwise." Addison challenged him.

Derek sighed. He didn't mean anything like that. He just wanted Addie to back down. "I knew Amy's visit was going to create havoc for us. Addie we have enough issues of our own. Do we have to fight over Amy as well?" He asked scratching his stubble.

"I will always fight for Amy. I think of her as my own little sister." Derek already knew that. When Addison came into Derek's family she felt little unfit among all the perfect Shepherds especially around his mother. That time Amy was also struggling with her own issues. So they we quickly bonded over their insecurities. And now they could empathize even better since they both knew how it felt like to be treated like crap by the most important person in their lives.

They found Amelia attempting to cool herself off in the parking lot. They all walked back to the hospital in complete silence. Derek fled to his work immediately while Amelia decided to hang out with Addison for rest of the day.

...

In the evening Addison found Derek in a scrub room where he was meticulously cleansing his hands.

"Starting or finishing?" She asked from the doorway.

"Finished one and will be starting another in few minutes." He replied rinsing his hands.

"I am done for the day." Addison informed him even though he hadn't asked. He rarely did. He just nodded peeking in the OR ensuring his resident was closing the patient properly.

"I and Amelia are planning to go for shopping and may be some sightseeing." Addison added following him out of scrub room.

"Does she have money to shop?" Derek asked giving her a pointed look.

"It's not for her. I am shopping. She is just giving me company." Addison answered avoiding his stare.

Derek shook his head knowing the plot. They will go for shopping. Addison will buy things she doesn't need. Then Amy would borrow it never to return it back. Addison and rest of his sisters pampered Amy with expensive gifts which she didn't deserve. Because of them Amy was living a rich life which she hadn't yet earned. Derek and his mother didn't approve any of this but no one cared about their opinion.

Derek stopped at the nurses' station to check if his next patient was ready and then headed towards waiting lounge to update his patient's family about the surgery.

"Amelia doesn't want to stay alone at the hotel" Addison continued the conversation matching his pace. "So I am staying with her. Do you mind?" Addison asked already knowing the answer.

"Do I mind a peaceful night in my trailer, without any nagging, slamming or screaming? I think I don't." Derek smirked approaching the patient's family and leaving his wife behind.

...

"Did she tell you why she is here?" Derek came straight to the point when he spotted his wife in the ER next day.

"Good morning to you too honey." Addison replied with a fake smile.

"Why is she here Addison?" He pulled her in the corner and asked again.

"I don't know." She said without looking up from the chart which she was studying.

"I don't believe you." Derek took away her chart forcing her to look at him.

"I don't know and I have a patient to attend." Addison snatched back the chart and walked away.

He signed and turned away when Addison disappeared behind the curtains. Amelia had been in Seattle for two days and still he didn't know what was going on. His curiosity mixed with concern was killing him. But Addison wasn't divulging anything and he didn't want to bend first and talk to Amelia.

Addison and Derek didn't cross paths for better part of the day. He once saw her sprinting towards the cafeteria which was unusual considering she mostly had lunch alone in the doctor's lounge or at the rooftop. He assumed his baby sister was the reason behind Addison's changed routine.

Later in the afternoon Derek entered OR 3's observation gallery wondering who had paged him to watch Chief's surgery. From the entrance he could see that team was still preparing for the surgery. He glanced through the gallery and found his red head sitting in the first row. Some interns and residents were sitting at the last row keeping safe distance from the She Shepherd.

"Why are we watching Chief's colostomy?" Derek asked sitting down beside his wife. He looked at the patient but the face didn't ring any bell. He scanned the case details displayed on the monitor. There was nothing unusual worth his attention.

"Addison?" He asked again when he didn't get any response to his first question. She motioned him to look in the OR. That's when he noticed chief entering the OR followed by his little sister clad in pale blue scrubs and his wife's lucky scrub cap.

Derek remembered gifting the cap to Addison years back for her first solo surgery. Now a days Addison wore that cap only for special surgeries. She had once admitted that for her the cap symbolizes Derek's support so she used it whenever she needed boost of confidence. But it wasn't the time to reminisce about the cap. He focused back on the person wearing the cap.

"What the hell is going on? What is she doing in there?" He turned towards Addison demanding an exclamation.

"She is performing a colostomy under Chief's watch." Addison replied calmly.

"Who gave her the privileges?" He frowned.

"Chief did upon my request." Addison replied without looking at him.

"Are you out of your mind?" He asked forcing her to look at him. She met his stare with an equal force. "You used your hard earned position in this hospital to give privileges to your reckless sister. If she screws up your reputation will be at risk."

"She won't screw up. She is a brilliant doctor. I am not saying that as her sister but as an experienced surgeon. I have seen her work. Yesterday she assisted me in two of my surgeries. I will never use my position to grant favours to any undeserving person no matter how much I love them." Addison clarified.

Down in the OR Amelia was waiting for the anaesthesiologists to sedate her patients. She stood in the OR taking as little space as possible. Her eyes were fixated at her patient while she was mentally walking through the surgery which she had performed countless times before. This was her chance to prove herself to Derek. She couldn't afford fail. She couldn't be anything less than perfect. Even without looking up she could feel Derek's piercing gaze on her. Before starting she looked up first at Addison who gave her an assuring node. Her eyes shifted to Derek who was sitting at the edge of bench, elbows pressed on his knees and chin propped on his hand. His expression was unreadable. Her eyes shifted back to Addison. The elder women gave her a big smile and thumps up. Amelia took a deep breath, returned a smile to Addison and asked for a scalpel.

She elegantly made her first cut and started navigating through the patient's body with ease. Everything else other than her patient and his body faded away in the background.

"She is good." Derek admitted after Amelia swiftly controlled a bleed.

"Yes she is." Addison nodded stretched her legs. "She has great potential. She needs a good mentor to unleash her talent." She added.

"Addie what's going on?" Derek asked sitting back comfortably.

"She is here for your guidance. She will finish her residency soon and has to decide about her fellowship. She is confused between Neuro and Cardiac. She wants your advice." Actually it took lot of persuasion from Nancy and Katherine to make her reach to Derek. But Derek didn't have to know that.

After Amelia's surgery Addison went back to work but Derek cleared his schedule to talk to his sister. They discussed at length about her career options. Derek acted as her soundboard while she compared Neuro against Cardio. In Neuro she aspired to be Ginsberg's fellow. But getting that fellowship was very difficult. After Ginsberg Derek was the next best option. After seeing her surgical skills Derek was willing to give her chance but they both agreed that she should first try to get in Ginsberg's program. Derek then requested Burke to guide her on cardio and went to look for his wife. He found her in a scrub room.

"Hey." He called smiling.

She tilted her head and smiled back.

"Do you have a few minutes?" He asked leaning against the sink.

Addison peeked through the OR door. Her patient wasn't wheeled in yet. "I have some time." She replied rinsing her hands. Even if the patient was there she would still have spared few moments for Derek.

"I just want to say thank you."

"What for?" Addison asked raising an eyebrow.

"For doing what you did for Amy." Derek replied with a soft smile.

"You don't have to thank me. I love that girl. I will do anything for her."

"I know. Thank you for loving her and fighting for her." Derek stood straight and looked into her eyes. Addison just smiled shifting closer to him.

"By the way it was a good plan." Derek complimented Addison stroking her arm. "It was good that you made me see her surgical skills first before making us talk about her career."

"You still think of her as a reckless kid. But she has come a long way since her troubled teenage years. Derek she has spectacularly turned her life around. She is a promising surgeon with great talent."

"I can see that now. If you had tried to convince me before I wouldn't have budged. I might have just advised her to go for some easier specialty. It's still hard for me to believe that little Amy is a surgeon."

"By the way little Amy doesn't like being called Amy anymore." Addison passed on Amelia message.

"She will always be my little Amy no matter how great surgeon she becomes." Derek dismissed her.

Addison peeked again through the door confirming she still had some more time.

"So what do you think is suitable for her? Cardiac or Neuro?" She asked.

"Off course Neuro. That's her natural calling. I don't even know why she is considering cardiac." Derek declared earning a glared from Addison.

"I am not going to impose anything on her. I will let her figure it out on her own." Derek clarified holding his hands in the air. They heard commotion in the OR and saw the patient being wheeled in.

"So when do you expect to get off?" Derek asked tightening strings of her scrub cap.

"I can't say. I have one more surgery after this." Addison scrunched up her face.

"Will you be home by dinner time? I invited Amy over. I am cooking." He tied the knot of her cap and gave her a pat on shoulder to give her a go ahead.

"Yum. I will try to reach by dinner time but if I don't, save some food for me." Addison said pushing the door with her back.

"I will try but can't promise anything when Amy is there." He shouted through the closing door. "See you at home."


	3. Chapter 3

"So this is the famous trailer!" Amelia said jumping out of Derek's jeep. "It's beautiful. I haven't seen so many shades of green even on National Geography channel."

Derek turned off his car's engine and nodded in response.

The Doc sensed their presence and immediately started barking. Derek felt guilty for locking him in the trailer for such long hours. But letting him wander alone in the woods wasn't an option. Keeping him safe was more important than keeping him entertained. He had already hurt Meredith enough for a life time. He didn't want to top it by hurting her dog. And him chewing of expensive shoes, bags and cashmeres out of frustration was just a side benefit.

As soon as Derek opened the door, the Doc sprinted outside and started chasing the unfamiliar figure. In spite of his best efforts, the little creature didn't scare Amelia. She started running around with him, swiftly dodging his attempts to catch her. After few rounds she couldn't keep up with the Doc's energy and surrendered. Derek chuckled at his little sister lying on the grass, panting heavily. Derek threw a ball for Doc and sat beside Amelia, admiring the scenery.

"This is an ideal place for vacation. In summer you could put up a tent out here and camp under the stars." Amelia exclaimed rolling on the grass like a five year old.

"Yeah we could do that. If you are in Seattle next summer we could camp here like old days." Derek said smiling at her.

When they were kids their father used to take them for camping trips every year. They would rent a caravan and hit the road. Amelia always joined her father and brother for playing catch, fishing or hiking rather than singing or dancing with her sisters. She was daddy's girl and followed him wherever he went. On their camping trips they would catch fish and cook it together. After the dinner all siblings would play rock paper scissors to decide who gets to sleep on the bed and who has to settle on the sleeping bags. Many times all seven of them would snuggle up on the same bed on top of each other. But it all stopped suddenly after their father's death.

When Derek saw Amelia's glossy eyes, he very well knew what she was thinking. He pulled her closer and enfolded her in his strong arms. He wished he could shield her away from every pain.

"Let's go inside. It's getting cold." He got up and gave her a hand.

After giving her a grand tour of the trailer Derek started dinner preparations. He had no doubt that most of his sister's diet back home consisted of cheese pizzas, French fries and chips. So he made sure to add extra vegetables in her salad.

"This trailer is good. Way better than the ones we used to rent." She commented studying the advanced features of the oven.

"Addison hates it." Derek stated with a hint of disappointment. The words escaped his mouth before he could process them. He didn't care about Addison's approval. And he definitely didn't need Amelia's help to change Addison's opinion. He didn't know why he mentioned Addison in their conversation, may be to pull Amelia on his side by pointing out Addison's oblivious stupidity.

Amelia stopped cutting the vegetables and observed her brother. He could try being nonchalant but Amelia could easily see through his mask. "Give her a reason to love it." She advised earnestly.

"I like this trailer because it reminds me of our childhood, happy times. May be it signifies something else to Addison." She added squeezing his arm.

Derek gave her a weary smile and looked around. The trailer had all advanced features one could wish for in a trailer. The thermostat was much more efficient than the ones he had lived in. But still the place always felt cold. Cold and silent, like the mansion she grew up in.

Addison managed to reach home by dinner time. The Doc started jumping in excitement after seeing Addison after a long time. He spent the entire evening dancing around Addison's foot.

The dinner went smoothly. They talked about their nieces' and nephews' latest adventures, Nancy's latest obsession of organic food and Lizzy's new house. Amelia told him about the guy which she was dating. Derek managed to find 50 flaws in him. But overall it went well.

After dinner they again discussed Amelia's fellowship. Derek assured Amelia that he will help her in whatever way she needs. But he also clarified that when he screens applicants for his fellowship program she will not get any special consideration for being his sister. That's what Amelia wanted, to be treated like any other candidate. She knew she had a strong resume. But Derek knew things which weren't there on her resume. Derek promised her to judge her purely on her merits. He also asked her to stay in Seattle for another week and work with him and Burke.

Derek was expecting Addison to stay back after spending two nights with Amy. But the girls argued that they still had a lot to gossip. Amelia complained that she didn't fly across the country to stay alone in a hotel. So they agreed that Addison will stay with her as long as she was in the town. And Derek was left alone in his sanctuary with the Doc.

...

"It's boys' day today. And that Wilson's baby is so cute. His father was so overwhelmed he hugged me for a whole minute and cried on my shoulder." Addison was chatting animatedly with Amelia. When Amelia came to work with Derek, the first thing Addison did was to synchronize her schedule with Amelia's so they could spend their breaks together.

"I saw that baby in the nursery. My uterus missed a heartbeat when I saw him." Amelia giggles.

"What are you girls talking about?" Derek asked joining them near the coffee machine.

"Nothing much. Just talking about our day. Addie was telling all the five babies she delivered today are boys." Amelia said taking last sip of her coffee. "Hey I gotta go. I should get back to work before my horrible boss starts complaining."

In response Derek pulled Amelia's ponytail like he used to when they were in school. Amelia watched the siblings' notorious exchange with amusement.

"You look happy since Amy came." Derek said looking at her cheerful face.

"I like having her around. It's nice to have someone to talk to." Addison admitted, offering her coffee cup to Derek.

"I haven't seen you smile like this in a long time. If having my annoying sister around is going to bring back my wife's smile, I will hire her immediately." Derek said nudging her playfully.

Derek had offered to do something nice for Addison. He was expecting some brownie points for the gesture instead Addison's smile disappeared.

"It's not her job to make me happy Derek." She said that with her words while her eyes accused him of not doing his job. She pecked his cheek letting her lips linger on for a bit longer and walked away leaving a confused Derek behind.

...

The week quickly passed by in working, bonding and shopping.

"Why am I summoned here?" Derek asked when Addison came out of her patient's room.

"Derek my patient has gone into premature labour. I can't leave the hospital now." She told him walking down the hallway. "Can you please drop Amelia to the Airport?" Addison asked plastering her cutest smile.

"Why not? It's not like I have my own patients to see." Derek rolled his eyes.

"Derek!" Addison glared clapped her hands on her hips.

"Yeah I know we are Shepherds. We pick up and drop our family." He mocked her earning a smack on his chest.

"I'll go. Anyway I should confirm with my own eyes that Amy leaves. I can't spend one more day with her." They got along better than they did before, but still they were Derek and Amelia.

"I bet Amelia feels the same way." Addison smirked.

"So now that your hotel companion is leaving will you be coming back home?" Derek asked and pulled out his blackberry to check his mails. He didn't want Addison to have any misimpression that he cared. He was asking just out of curiosity. playing with her wedding rings.

"The checkout time is tomorrow morning. May be I can enjoy the Italian sheets for one more night." Addison replied slyly.

"Oh come on Addie! You have been there for the whole week. The trailer is losing your spell. Doc has been licking your things. He is missing you." He grumbled focussing his attention on her.

Addison's eyes lit up, a small smile graced her lips. She took a step back, put her glasses on and gave him the once over. "Derek Shepherd is this your way of telling me that you miss me?"

"May be." He replied nonchalantly.

"Say you miss me and I will be home tonight." She challenged him, craving for some affectionate words.

"The trailer and the Doc miss you. If you are not home by tonight, I will start feeding your Prada to Doc." He challenged back trying to maintain a straight face but a smile anyway dangled on corners of his lips. Before she could counter, he quickly pecked her cheeks and exited.

...

Derek overtook the couple driving below speed limit and pushed the gas paddle further. Addison was scared of his rash driving but Amelia loved it. "Boo" Amelia shouted at the other car.

"You seem to be in hurry to see me off." She commented looking at the speedometer.

"You know me so well." He gave her a toothy smile.

"You suck as a brother but you are not that bad teacher." Amelia said rubbing her palms.

"Thanks. Don't forget to put that on my testimonial page."

"You are a pathetic sister but you are a tolerable student. If you apply for my fellowship I may read your resume before throwing it in trash." Derek smirked stopping at the red light.

"I will start applying now." Amelia said getting serious.

"Run your applications through me before you send them out." Derek told her.

"You think I stand a chance with Ginsburg?" She asked fiddling with the hem of her sweater.

"Yes you do. Your skills are already head of some of my first year fellows."

Amelia smiled awkwardly not being used to her brother's praise.

"You will also have a position reserved at Seattle Grace if you don't get in Ginsburg's program." Derek said smiling at her.

"Thanks. I liked working with you. May be we could start a fresh in this new city." She said holding out her hand for truce. He took it and gave her a slight squeeze.

"How am I going to handle my hurricane sister and crazy wife working under one roof?" He chuckled.

Amelia bit her lip and glanced away. She wasn't sure if she should say it. She stayed quite for a while but filtering wasn't one of her strengths.

"I told Addie to leave you and come back home." She blurred out.

Derek hit the break instead of accelerator out of shock. Thank god for sparse traffic. Amelia could bet he was trying his best to refrain himself from smashing her head.

"Addie is hoping that you will forgive her one day and everything will go back to the way it was. But I know it won't. You are not a forgiving type of person. Who would know it better than me?" She explained.

"Amy things with me and Addie are complicated. But we are working on it. Please don't add fuel to the flame." Derek said clutching the steering wheel harder than necessary.

"She is drowning Derek. She is losing herself in this marriage. I don't want to lose her. You may not need her anymore but I still do. So I told her to leave you and get her life back on track."

"I need her too Amy. We have been together for last one third of our lives. She was my best friend." He said but didn't sound very convincing.

"Yeah you were a great couple. Brangelina of medicine! But do you still love her?" She asked bluntly.

"It isn't that simple." Derek said running a hand through his hair.

"It's a simple question Derek. Do you love her? Yes or No?"

"I don't know" He mumbled.

"What's there not to know? You either love someone or you don't?" She pushed.

"What do you know about love or a real relationship? You have never even reached a six month mark in any of your relationships." Derek snapped at her.

Derek knew his sisters weaknesses and he didn't mind using them against her to make her shut up. But he underestimated her strengths. When she puts her mind on something, she wouldn't give up easily. "My love life isn't the point here. We are talking about you and Addie. Addie, who you once considered as the love of your life."

"And then she slept with my best friend." Derek used his trump card. Amelia had nothing to counter that. She nodded accepting her defeat and looked away. Her dull eyes reminded him of Addison.

"Amy, look I understand that you are trying to protect Addison and I appreciate your concern. But you need to respect our privacy and let us resolve our issues. Please leave us alone and focus on your life." Derek said firmly.

...

Addison blushed when she saw an email captioned 'Tonight' in her inbox from Derek Shepherd. She double checked the nurses weren't peeking at the computer before opening the attachment. In past, she was caught in some embarrassing situations after opening Derek's texts or emails in front of others. Luckily the nurses were too busy in handing over their duties to night shift staff to notice Addison's pink cheeks. When she opened the photo, her eyes first landed on her husband's cunning smile. He had sent her a picture of him holding her red Prada stilettoes in one hand and the Doc in other. She was surprised that he actually spent time in going through her shoe boxes to pull out her favourite shoe, pulled out the tripod and camera (she suspected that the batteries were dead) and posed for a picture. That was something. Knowing someone was waiting for her at home, gave her extra energy to finish her work at lightning speed. She was completely occupied for the whole day and hadn't seen Derek after the morning. In the evening she learnt from Patricia that Derek didn't return to hospital after dropping Amelia at the airport. She could ask him where he was once she is home.

She changed into her street clothes, applied some make up and headed out to go home. The butterflies in her stomach made her feel like a girl going on her first date. When she reached home, she was met by a bouncing dog and a smiling husband.

"Are all of my shoes safe?" She asked looking around frantically. She loved drama.

"Why don't you check for yourself?" Derek said trying to calm the Doc down.

She picked up her red Prada from the table, gently caressed it and went to bedroom in search of others. Two seconds after that, Derek heard a scream coming from their bedroom.

"Shush. You are scaring the wild animals in the woods." He said pushing her down on the bed.

She sat there with questioning look. "You went for shopping?" she asked sceptically.

He nodded.

"You went and bought bed spreads for us?" She confirmed.

He nodded again "Two sets of sheets, a duvet and a new mattress." He added.

Addison touched the sheets enjoying their soft feel.

"Thread count of 700, Made in Italy, crafted from exquisitely soft Egyptian cotton and has a shimmering sateen finish" Derek provided proudly.

It was all very hard to digest especially in the background of $ 10 flannel sheets which they had earlier. "Wow! You bought this all on your own?"

"I do have a medical degree and a black Amex card. The sales executive helped me." He admitted.

She smiled losing herself in the comfort of their new luxurious sheets and mattress.

"Welcome back home Addie." Derek said joining her on the bed, where their new bedding was waiting to be christened.

After dinner Derek asked Addison to come for a walk with him. They strolled on their land with the Doc, enjoying the quiet night.

"Addison, I know what Amelia told you." Derek said breaking the silence.

Addison just gave him a confused look. Amelia says lots of things; she didn't know which one he was talking about. And she wasn't stupid to say anything first and reveal something which he didn't know.

"I know she told you to leave me and go back to New York." Derek added "She told me."

"Derek, Amy isn't.."

"Addie, please hear me out first. I know all of this isn't easy for you. It isn't easy for me either. But we are Derek and Addison, and we are not over yet. So I am asking you not to quite, not yet." Derek requested earnestly.

Addison kept looking ahead in dark trying to wrap her head around everything that was happening. Not a very long ago Derek had professed his love for another woman to her before Christmas. He robbed her of their season and showed absolutely no remorse. Rather he blamed her for not taking the news of her husband being in love with another woman sportingly. But he also said he didn't want to leave her. She had given him a chance to leave her, but he didn't sign. And today again he is asking her not to leave.

"Why Derek?" She asked, simply.

When he didn't answer, she elaborated her question. "Why do you want me to stay? You are in love with Meredith. At times you make me doubt, if you even like me. There are days when you hate my mere existence. Then there are days, when you pretend that I don't exist. I just don't know why do you want me to not leave."

"Yes there are days when I utterly hate you. I have gone to unimaginable extents to avoid you. And there are days when I don't even think about you." Derek admitted.

Derek wasn't telling her anything that she didn't know. But hearing him admit her worst fears burnt a hole in her heart. She looked away blinking her eyelids rapidly. Why couldn't her tear ducks be obedient and follow he command?

Her action wasn't lost on Derek. He stepped in front of her, held her hands and continued. "But then there are times when I look at you and see glimpse of the girl I fell in love with. You say or do something that reminds me of the good old days, the life we had built. We had a perfect life. You were the best wife. I don't want to throw all that away."

Addison was moved by his confession. Her tear ducks had refused to obey and her cheeks were soaked in tears but she didn't care. "We had a wonderful life. Do you think we can go back to that life? Do you think you can ever forgive me?" Addison asked hopefully, she knew Amelia was right when she said Derek never forgives.

"It is hard Addison. You broke my trust. I thought you were perfect but..

"I never claimed to be perfect, Derek"

"I know, but you were perfect to me. And now you are a cheater. You slept with my best friend. You ruined everything. You made me doubt everything I believed, about you, us, him, me, love, friendship, family. How am I supposed to trust anything now?" Derek confessed with brutal honesty.

"So, you can't forgive me." Addison tried reading between the lines.

"That's not what I said. What I am saying is, it is not easy for me. I need time.. to move past what you did. I want you to wait for me till I get there."

How couldn't she, when Derek was looking at her with those eyes. "I will wait as long as you want. I promise I will not leave till there is a slightest chance of being Addison and Derek again."

* * *

A/N : Hey, is anyone reading the story? I am really disappointed by lack of response. I am really into this story now, so I am going to continue anyway. But some response will make me happier and work faster. So please review.

On a different note, I would appreciate a suggestion from my readers. I have outlined the entire storyline from Amelia's visit to Emily's birth. My original idea was to mix past and future, to have some chapter from season 2 moving in forward direction and have some chapters in reverse from later "happily married" period, both of the storylines meeting at last chapter of the story. But when I outlined all chapter, I though the time jump was confusing. So what would you suggest, are you up for the experimental sequence or prefer chronological?


	4. A tour in to Addison's wandering mind

Thank you all my wonderful reviewers for your encouragement.

* * *

The surgery board is quiet today. Richard doesn't like quiet board, not for the obvious reason of loss of business, but for some superstition. Richard believes in superstitions, he doesn't believe in Thanksgiving or Christmas yet he thinks a quiet board brings disaster. Weird, isn't it? But unlike Derek and Preston, I am wise enough not to piss him off by mentioning the quiet board. He should remember that when he recommends his successor.

It's been a while since I had a quiet board. I don't mind a quiet board, especially after working like crazy for last couple of weeks. If the board remains quiet, we can leave the hospital at some decent hour. May be we can go somewhere together after work. Me and Derek. We are making progress. Derek doesn't flinch anymore when he sees me. He acknowledges my presence, sometimes smiles and if he is in really good mood I get a peck. In short we are doing okay. These things may seem trivial after a decade of marriage. But once you experience being invisible and untouchable, you learn to appreciate every small gesture. So I would say things are definitely improving.

With the new mattress and Italian sheets, things have improved quite a bit in bed. We learn from a celebrity who called off his divorce recently that he and his wife rebuilt their marriage with lots of talking and lots of sex. Who says Entertainment weekly isn't insightful? We are following his advice. Right now in whatever spare time we get, we are focusing on the second part. Hopefully we will get to the talking part at some point. Anyway as of now I am content with the way things are moving.

After this C-section, I don't have any other surgery scheduled. Derek isn't busy either. He is filling bunch of forms for me to change my correspondence address from New York to Seattle, he volunteered. I will join him, once I finish here.

Now I feel naïve for rejoicing over a quiet board. May be Richard isn't completely insane to think that the quiet board brings disaster. Before I could wrap my head around what was happening, the quiet day turned into a complete catastrophe. Miranda Bailey checked in to deliver her baby. Her husband arrived after her, not on his own feet but on a stretcher. Before I could figure out how to deliver the news to Miranda, we had Code Black. Preston's fucking patient has a fucking bomb inside him. Our lives are literally in hands of an 18 year old paramedical. The poor girl is holding the bomb. The OR floor was quickly evacuated, stable patients were discharged or transferred to other hospitals. A bomb squad was summoned. And now we all are hoping that Preston and the bomb squad will figure out some way to prevent this hospital from blowing up.

Derek is still in the OR. He refused to vacate. I am not surprised. Derek wouldn't be Derek if he did. He isn't a coward to run away. Not in OR. That's my husband, risking his own life to save a patient.

Bailey is refusing to push, she is refusing drugs. If I can't convince her, she will lose her baby. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, but now she might lose everything. O'Malley is asking me to do something, talk to her, drug her, force her, anything that will make her see things straight. But I don't know how to make her think rationally, when her whole world is hanging by a thread. Her husband is in danger, mortal danger, he could die. My husband is with her husband, few feet away from a ticking bomb. What if they fail to defuse it? What if it goes off before Preston can get it out? What if I never get to see Derek again?

I need to see Derek. If this is our last day on earth, we should be spending it together. But would he want to spend his last hours with me? I guess he would prefer being with the woman he loves. He _is_ with the woman he loves. She volunteered to stay. They both are up there, bravely facing the danger. Reality slaps me. I am in love with Derek but Derek is in love with Meredith.

I decide to give him his space. I will just see him from distance and leave. I try to sneak in. But they have sealed the entire floor. The bomb squad guy doesn't let me in. They escort me back. There must be something I can do. I should focus on Bailey, focus on being a doctor. Bailey is freaking out. She is scared. I am scared. But I can't let her see me panic. I need to maintain a brave face, for both of us. I am failing at it. There is nothing I can say to comfort her. There is nothing anyone can say to comfort me. Not that anyone has tried or anyone cares.

When Derek was stuck in that broken elevator, Mark's protective arm never left my shoulder. Nancy held my hand and Stella kept on bringing water and coffee to keep us hydrated.

If we were in New York, I wouldn't be crouched on a gurney in an abandoned hallway. If we were in New York, we wouldn't even be in this situation. I would be just wondering about _when_ I will see my husband again, not _if._ This is entirely my fault. Derek could die because of me. If I hadn't screwed up, he wouldn't be in Seattle at the moment. He would have been safe, thousands of miles away from the bomb, suppressing yawns in Wednesday's weekly update meeting. _If_ I hadn't been such a horrible person…

I need to stop wallowing and do my job. I go back to check Miranda. She is fully dilated. Her baby is in distress. She has to start pushing. But I can't get through to her. O'Malley surprises me by taking the charge. He soothes her and encourages her to push. Miranda delivers a healthy boy and we have a reason to smile. But then I hear a loud bang. I smell smoke from two floors down the ORs. I struggle to let out a scream but my throat feels chocked. Someone please tell me what happened. This can't be it. He can't leave me like this. He can't leave his family like this. God can't punish him for my mistakes. No. This can't be it. He can't be dead. He can't be.

My legs bring me to the lobby. "What happened?" I shriek

"It's okay sweetie. They all are okay." Adele assures me, pulling me in a motherly embrace. I cling to her, sucking in her solace. The first tear rolls down my eye and then I can't stop the flood. A kind lady, I think Trisha pulls my sniffing body away, offers me a chair and a bottle of water. She repeats my husband is fine. Burke, Cristina, Meredith, Tucker, they all are fine. Meredith was the one holding the bomb; it exploded just moments after she handed it over. Two of the bomb squad soldiers weren't as lucky as our doctors. I feel sorry for their families, but I am grateful that this nightmare is over for me.

I am waiting for Derek to come down. This twinge in my stomach won't stop till _I_ confirm he is safe and sound. I need to see him, touch him and feel his beating heart. They all applaud as our warriors step out of the elevator. Derek is looking for Meredith. I understand his urge to see her. But I need him too. I make a dash for him and squeeze him in my arms, prepared to be pushed away. But he is a decent man. He loosely circles his arms around me and allows me to melt in his warmth. He pulls away when someone calls him. They steal him away for some admin work.

Now that my husband is safe, I manage to get back to work. The hospital is a mess. Half of the fourth floor is blown up. The smoke is spreading to other floors. We have air tight doors in NICU. All babies in there are safe. But the new parents are anxious to keep their babies with us. I spend next hour talking to the parents, assuring them that the babies are not in any danger. Some of them are convinced. I make transfer arrangements for others. I check on Miranda and little Tucker one last time and start looking for my husband. He is in Richard's office, with Adele and Preston. This seems to be top level heroes den. I feel like I am intruding but I enter anyway. I want to go home with my husband and forget this disastrous day.

"Hi" Everyone turns. Adele waves me to come in, Preston nods and Richard & Derek look at me blankly. They all look worn-out. I don't ask how they are or comment on how terrible the day was or how brave our heroes were. They have had enough of that already.

"Are you done? Shall we go home?" I ask Derek, massaging his temple. He leans his head back into my chest in response.

"Go home and rest." Adele orders all of us. No one protests. Richard starts shutting down his computer while I, Derek and Preston take their leave.

I link my arm in Derek's as we walk to the doctor's lounge. He is already in his street clothes.

"Will you wait for few two minutes? I will quickly change and we can go home in one car." I ask pulling out my clothes from my locker.

"I am going to Meredith's house to see her. I will see you at trailer later." Derek picks up his bag and starts to leave.

I grab his arm to stop him. "Can I come with you?" After getting so close to losing him for good, I don't want to let him out of my sight for a second unless it's inevitable. Is Derek feeling the same for Meredith? After todays near death experience, is he reconsidering the choices he made? He hasn't answered me yet.

"Can I come with you, please?" I ask again. I hate how desperate I sound.

"Addie, after everything Meredith went through today, I don't think she would be up for meeting you." he said apologetically.

"Yeah. I won't come in. I will wait in the car. I just don't want to be alone right now." I bargain.

"Okay meet me in parking in 5." He gives in.

I offer to drive so Derek can relax. And if he decides to stay with Meredith, having my own car will save me from added humiliation of waiting for cab at her doorstep.

"Derek, are you okay?" I ask reaching for his hand. His rustled hair, wrinkled forehead, heavy eyelids and slumped shoulders scream of fatigue.

He just nods with closed eyes.

"It was a terrible day. Thank god it's over."

This time I don't even get a nod. He is tired, physically and emotionally. I run my free hand over side of his face. I have an urge to pull him in a tight hug and shield him from all the stress. I know how it feels to dread loss of a loved one. And I also know how it feels not to have anyone to talk to.

"Honey you have been through a lot today. If you want to talk about it, about anything, I am here for you." I offer squeezing his hand.

"Thanks" he finally speaks, tilting his head towards me. "But I would rather not talk about any of it."

He dismisses my offer. We drive rest of the way in silence. GPS guides me to her place. When we reach there, Derek steps out and walks away in trance. Will he come back to me? I am checking my watch after every thirty seconds. He has been in there for more than six minutes. The door is opening. He is coming out. He went back in. Should I start planning my life without him? Life of Addison Montgomery san Shepherd. He is stepping out again, walking to the car. Is he coming to tell me that it's over? He glances back at the house before getting in the car, sits straight, fastens his seat belt and turns the temperature a notch up, managing not to look in my direction during all of this.

"Let's go." He prompts when I make no attempt to move. In my defense I wasn't sure if he got in the car to come with me or to tell me that he was staying with Meredith. I assume he isn't staying and start the engine.

"So how is Meredith?" I ask, desperate to know what happened in there.

"She is okay."

"You were in there for a while. You came out then went back."

"Hmmm"

"What did you talk to her?" I ask directly leaving out all diplomacy. I deserve to know if my husband has decided to dump me.

"Meredith couldn't recollect our last kiss. I went back in to tell her about the last time we…" Derek says simply.

Their last kiss! I like to pretend that they never touched each other. But they did. They did a lot more than just touching. But I have no moral ground to object. Not after I made my husband walk in on me and his best friend. That was zillion times worse than hearing about your husband kissing another woman. It shouldn't bother me. But it does. It bothers me that there is another woman who can say she kissed Derek. There is another woman who treasures memories of my husband. It bothers me that my husband remembers his last kiss with her.

When was our last kiss? After Miranda's first check-up. But that was just a quick peck, something that couples do out of habit. We kissed with lips and tongue, before, during and after the earth shattering sex we had. But kissing during intercourse doesn't count. It just means I want to do you. When was the last time we shared an unintentional but passionate kiss that says 'I love you'. More importantly when was the last time he said I love you.

"You are thinking about our last kiss aren't you? Do I need to remind you the details?" Derek asks, suddenly seeming interested in having a conversation.

"You don't need to be a genius to remember our hour of passion in the morning." I retort, smiling at him.

"But you do need to be a genius to have the kind of hour of passion we had in the morning." Derek smirks. I can't deny that.

"I was thinking about the last time you said love you to me." I confess. Mention of the L word makes him uncomfortable. He has no clue when he said it last. I spare him the trouble.

"It was at SIA's annual dinner. You were felicitated for your outstanding contribution to the field of medicine. After your speech you were mingling with the trustees while their wives were chewing my head off. You came from nowhere like a knight in shining armor and whisked me away. People kept interrupting us on our way to the bar. So instead of taking me to the bar, you grabbed my hand and pulled me out of that banquet hall. It was dark and chilly. You drew me closer to keep me warm. We stayed like that, gazing at the stars. You turned and brushed your thumb over my cheekbone. Your cold fingers made me shiver. But instead of being a gentleman you ran your cold hand against my bare back. I shrieked while you laughed at my expense. I inched closer to you slidding my arms into your perfectly tailored suit. Our faces were inches apart. I inhaled mixed scent of your aftershave, gel and perfume. Your ocean deep eyes were locked with mine, nose and cheeks little red from cold breeze. 'You are beautiful', you said tilting my chin slightly up. You smiles at me and an 'I love you' rolled out of your mouth."

Derek's lips are slightly turned up in a minuscule smile which wouldn't be visible to anyone else's bare eyes. The look on Derek's face tells me that he remembers the evening as clearly as I do.

"That was the last time you said it."

"Really? That was two years back!" He doesn't seem to believe me. He has tilted his head, eyes narrowed causing wrinkles at the corner. He is searching his brain for some memory to prove me wrong. But I am not.

"I am sure Derek. That was the last time. After you left New York, I traced back all our firsts and lasts." He isn't good at keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries or special moments. So he doesn't argue on it anymore.

"I might not have said it very often, but that didn't mean, I did not..." He wouldn't even utter the L word. But I guess he is trying to say he did love me, I will take that.

"And it certainly didn't mean that you had a license to screw by best friend." He quickly adds before my hopeful soul could fly higher.

I have no defence, I have apologized million times. My apologies have started sounding hollow. So I just nod and focus my attention on driving. We are almost at the dock.

An hour of ferry ride and 10 more minutes' drive to reach home. Staying so far from hospital isn't very practical for two surgeons in demand but Derek isn't willing to yield. Luckily the queue to load cars isn't long. We park my car and head up to passenger deck. We haven't shared a ferry ride in a while. The last time we did, Derek turned his back when he saw me.

"I need to grab something to eat from the cafeteria, shall we regroup in the parking when we land?" I take a high road, giving him space on his beloved ferry boat.

"I will come with you." He surprises me, grabbing my hand and starting for the cafeteria.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asks. My not so lady like eating must have given me away.

"Yesterday evening." I mumble.

He looks pointedly at me. He doesn't have to say anything. He had offered me some chicken salad at night. But after having a large tuna sandwich at hospital, I wasn't hungry, so I passed it. Not a smart move in hindsight. Margaret used to say one should never refuse a mean, because you never know when you will get the next one. Her latino wisdom was opt for a surgeon.

"I was on my way to have a breakfast when Bailey arrived. After that food was the last thing on my mind." I confess, reflexively thinking about the day's events again.

"It was a terrible day." Derek opens up.

"I am glad it is over and you came out unharmed from the ordeal." I say leaning into him.

"Yeah. Let's be grateful that none of us was harmed." Derek agrees.

"Did you think about your last kiss with Meredith?" I have to ask.

"Excuse me!"

"When you were staring at potential death, did you think about time spent with Meredith? They say when you are in mortal danger, you think about the people who are most important to you, your whole life passes by your eyes, you think about your greatest joys, biggest regrets. I want to know how you felt when your life was in danger."

"Addie, I had Tucker Jones's scull open on my table. I didn't have time for the clichés." He chuckled.

"But still, you must have felt something. You were few feet away from a ticking bomb." I prodded. We experienced a life turning event, how can he be so neutral.

"I had a feeling that everything was going to be okay. I believed in Burke and those guys. I had to be optimistic so I could focus on bringing Bailey's husband back."

"Good, at least one of us was optimistic."

"How did you do today?" he asked with real concern.

"I was a hot mess. I was clueless, useless and hopeless." I admit.

"Aren't you being extra critical?"

"I feel like I disappointed Bailey and Richard and my patients."

Derek pulls me closer and urges me to go on.

"I did nothing. I could have helped Patricia in transferring patients, I could have helped Richard in devising evacuation of fourth floor, I should have comforted Miranda and Hannah. George O'Malley stepped up to the challenge but I just froze."

"Addie, your husband was in danger. You had a right to flip out. Don't beat yourself up."

"You, Preston, Yang, Grey, you all had a loved one in danger. But still, you honored your duty."

"So did you. You saved Bailey's baby."

"O'Malley saved her baby. I just sat between her legs and went with the flow. My muscle memory delivered the baby. I was mediocre at best." I can feel Bizzy's disapproving glare. A Montgomery should be nothing but astonishing.

"Aren't you lucky to be a Shepherd? Shepherds are allowed to be mediocre." Derek teases me, reading my thoughts.

"But mediocre people aren't allowed to be Chief." I doubt if I am fit for Chief's job if I perform so poorly under stress.

"Addison Montgomery Shepherd, your husband fought death and emerged unshattered from the storm. Shouldn't you be celebrating his conquest rather than obsessing over your own career?" He nudges me, making me lose my balance. But he is quick in holding me, before I meet the ground.

"But seriously Derek, I admire your courage. Any ordinary person would have ran off, but you, all of you guys stayed. You accomplished a great job under tremendous pressure. You are real heroes."

"I bet you would have done the same, if you were in there. Being in OR is easier than being in waiting lounge."

"I guess that's true. Did it help, knowing you were together in that danger?" I dare to ask.

"It helped knowing my wife was relatively safe." Derek says gazing into my eyes.

I inch closer, sliding my arms under his coat. Our faces are inches apart. I inhale mixed scent of astringent and Derek's new three in one shampoo. He showered after the surgery. He isn't wearing any perfume. Still he smells delicious. His ocean deep eyes are fixated on mine, nose and cheeks little red from cold breeze.

He tilts my chin slightly up and smiles at me. "Addie, you are beautiful. Don't ever forget that."

* * *

A/N: Hey does anyone remember Addek's cutesy scene at the beginning of the episode? Derek walks in from somewhere, hands over a file to the lay at the reception saying "Would you give this to Dr. Shepherd?" Not Montgomery-Shepherd, just Shepherd. They weren't show working on any case together. So what he gave must be something personal. I thought that was very cute and couply. (Sad, we addek shippers have to survive on such crumbs). So I imagined that Derek was filling Addison's address change forms and shoved that in this chapter. And then he comments that his wife is checking Bailey's cervix. I love it when he refers to Addison as his wife. Cherry on top of the episode was when Addison comes out, Derek seems delighted to see her and affectionately plants a kiss on her cheek. In that moment it felt like they were a happy couple. Thank god we have FanFiction to give them a happy ending. Sorry for my ranting, but I couldn't get that scene out of my head and just like Addison I have no one else to talk to about Addek than my fellow readers.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you all my lovely reviewers for your kind remarks and encouragement. You all motivate me to ignore my work and write this story.

* * *

"ADDISON. Come out immediately!" Derek yelled banging at the door.

Addison discarded her toothbrush and rushed out of the bathroom. "What happened?"

"What is this?" He asked, thrusting his coffee mug in front of her face.

It was like any average Tuesday morning. Derek's alarm went off at 5.30, Addison's followed at 5.35. They both woke up at 5.40. Derek ruffled the Doc's hair and went to use the bathroom. Meanwhile Addison started the coffee maker and took the Doc out to pee. She came back, made their bed and went in the bathroom after Derek was done. Derek confirmed the Doc wasn't chewing any of Addison's valued possession and went to pour a cup of coffee for himself. Everything was going as usual.

They had a routine. Derek would pour a generous cup of strong black coffee and relax for few minutes enjoying his caffeine kick with last day's newspaper and Doc playing around. Addison would join him after a while with her own mug of coffee, they would share few sips together, he would hand over the newspaper to her, she would complain about not having a fresh one because no one would deliver a newspaper in the woods, Derek would ignore it and go for shower. He didn't know what Addison did while he showered but after coming out of bath he generally found her laying out her clothes, shoes and accessories on bed. While she showered, he fulfilled his duty of designated cook by arranging some breakfast and packing their lunches with leftover food if they had any. They would get dressed together, say goodbye to the Doc and leave for work in their separate cars. They did it all on auto-Pilate.

So like any other day, he poured his coffee, pulled out a newspaper from Addison's bag, threw a ball for Doc and took a large sip of his coffee, only to spit it out instantly.

They needed to restock their kitchen, at least the coffee. They had planned to go for grocery shopping last evening but Derek got pulled in a surgery. Addison promised to pick up some coffee on her way home. But instead of their regular coffee she decided to try a different one suggested by her patient.

"Seriously? You cried as if someone had died."

"Yes. My taste buds have." He exclaimed making a nauseous face.

Addison dismissed him with an eye roll and went back to brush her teeth. Derek barged in there after her demanding an explaination.

"Why did you fill my coffee maker with that mud water? What is it really?" He asked, critically inhaling the coffee-like aroma.

Addison took her sweet time to rinse her mouth and wash her face before replying, her calmness infuriated him even more. "It is Natural Caffeine free herbal coffee. It prevents.." She started enthusiastically while dabbing her face with a napkin.

"Why? You know I hate Decaf." Derek asked discarding his mug on the table.

"It is not Decaf. It is completely caffeine free. My patient and her husband have been using it for few months. They recommended it."

"I recommend them to have their brains checked." Derek snarked looking through cabinets for his regular coffee. "Addison where is our regular coffee?

"I only bough the No-Caf. If we have an alternative, we will never.."

"Addison Shepherd, I am warning you for the last time. Do. Not. mess up with my morning coffee with your pretentious diet fads." Derek could not function without his morning dose of caffeine, neither could Addison.

"It's not a fad. It is a healthy coffee. It is non-acidic, has probiotics, contains natural insulin, it improves digestion, prevents hyper.."

"That thing is Not a coffee. Caffeine is an essential ingredient for coffee and lucidity."

"Jeremy had a stroke at the age of 45."

"What's that has to do with my coffee?" Derek asked exasperatedly.

"We need to adopt a healthy lifestyle. We work for inhumanly hours, we hardly exercise, we don't…"

"Addison, it's 6.30 in the morning and I haven't had my coffee yet. Please spare me the lecture." Derek said massaging his temple.

"This coffee could help you to live a longer life." Addison persisted.

"But what kind of life will it be drinking this mud water with a caffeine deprived wife." Derek muttered emptying his coffee mug in the kitchen sink.

"Common Der, try it for few days. You will like it eventually. It isn't so bad." Addison tried to reason. Her patient loved it now.

"It isn't bad?" Derek turned, spreading out his arms for extra effect. "Have you tasted it?"

Addison stammered. She was yet to taste it.

"Really? You are unbelievable. Only Addison Montgomery Shepherd can argue for hours without even knowing what she is arguing about." Derek was wondering how Addison who considered coffee as staple _food_ got converted so easily. Now he knew. He also knew how to pull her back on coffee ship.

"You are right. We should adopt a healthy lifestyle." Derek smiled and started pouring the hot black liquid in another mug. He walked to Addison, Hugged her from behind, wrapped his arms around hers and held the mug in front of her face.

"Drink it. I want you to live longer." He smiled sweetly and pushed the mug to her lips.

Addison took a small sip. It was terrible. But still she gulped it. She just had to maintain a blank face till Derek goes for shower. Then she could drain the coffee in sink.

"Finish it." Derek prompted tightening his arms around her.

She was trapped. Generally she tickled Derek to escape from his strong grip. But he was holding a cut of boiling coffee very close to her face, so tickling wasn't an option. She could admit he was right or she could take very small sips till he gives up and leaves for shower.

"I am not leaving till you finish this heathy drink." Derek clarified.

"Honey we will get late for work." Addison said trying to sound casual.

"So? It wouldn't be the first time. I am not releasing you till you finish this thing." Derek pulled them back and leaned against the wall.

"You know I don't mind spending the whole day wrapped in arms of my handsome and strong husband." She leaned back in to his chest trying to play cool.

"We won't be just standing here. You have to drink this." Derek reminded her.

"Derek this is cruel." Addison groaned.

"Yes Addie. Replacing my coffee with this thing is very cruel."

"Fine. I will get the regular one today." She conceded trying to get out of his hold.

"Not so easily Doc." Derek pulled her closer. "First admit you were wrong."

"Really?"

"Yes. Admit it or drink it."

"I made a mistake my lord, please forgive me for trying to take care of your health."

"Good. Now loose the attitude and try it again."

"Derek!"

"Addison!"

"I am sorry. I was wrong." Addison admitted through gritted teeth.

"Better. Now promise you will never mess with my coffee again." Derek demanded, adjusting the mug in his hand.

"Do we really need to stretch this so much?" Addison asked wearily. She was getting late. She should be getting dressed right now, but neither of them had even showered yet.

"Yes we do. Next time you think of forcing some WASPy fad on me, I want you to think about this morning." Derek said brushing her lips with the mug.

"I promise I will not mess with your coffee again." Addison said dryly, rolling her eyes.

"Now admit that you intentionally let my mom's vase slip through your hands." He pushed. Derek's mother had gifted them a vase for their housewarming. It definitely didn't go along with rest of the house's decoration. Still they kept it by the French window. But within a week, it accidently slipped out of Addison's hand while cleaning. Even after ten years they hadn't settled if it was intentional or accident.

"Derek, for the thousand time, it was an ACCIDENT." Addison insisted.

"That's what you say." Derek muttered releasing her.

They were royally late. So they decided to shower together. But they ended up taking more time than they would have otherwise.

xx

Addison was six when she first attempted climbing a tree. They were vacationing in South Africa. One afternoon when Captain and Bizzy had gone for some important business lunch, Archer took her to an enchanting tree to teach her to climb. He had recently learnt the skills at a summer camp.

"Grip, pull up, swing, grab, ascend, repeat." She repeated what her brother had just told her. He had explained the technique to best of his abilities. "Reach the lowest branch, grip it with one hand, wrap the other arm around the trunk, grip the sides of the trunk with thighs, pull up, swing a leg up over the branch, pull up again and stand on top of the branch. Repeat it two more times to reach the highest branch and gaze over the cottage. It was so simple. Archer showed it to her twice. She knew the steps by heart. But still she couldn't climb as fast as Archer did.

She jumped, gripped the lowest branch with her tiny hands, tried to pull herself up but her hands slipped and she went belly up. Archer laughed shaking the tree a bit.

"Baby Addison, girls don't climb trees. You will ruin your pretty shirt and if you get any scratches, no one will marry you." Their new nanny Gloria tried to stop her but she didn't know that telling Addison not to do something, made her determination even stronger.

"I am not a baby. I am six now. If Archer can climb. I climb too." Addison declared and began her ascend.

Grip, Pull up, fall..

Grip, Pull up, fall..

The kids were enjoying their adventure, but Gloria was worried sick. Not so much for the kids but for getting fired. So she came up with a brilliant idea to save her job and Addison's ass from hitting the ground. She brought a hammock and tied it below the tree. The safety net gave a boost to all of their confidence.

Grip, Pull up, swing a leg

"Yay Addison, That's it. Swing the other leg now." Archer encouraged her. Addison grinned at her brother and zoooom.

"You are stupid. Go back, play with dolls." Archer wanted to show his little sister the view from the top. But she proved to be a slower learner than his expectations. So he quickly lost interesting in bringing Addison to the top. These days his mood was swinging between being a protective big brother and being a spoilt brat who hated his annoying sister.

"No. I will come up. I am a big girl." She announced starting her ascent again.

Grip, pull up, swing, grab and ascend!

"See I climbed the tree." Addison announced proudly.

"That is first branch you silly. You have to climb two more branches. You are a loser. You can't climb the whole tree." Archer mocked her.

"I am a winner. I can climb all the forest. See." Addison protested and started reaching from the next branch. But in her excitement she didn't grip the next branch properly before leaving her foot from the first one.

Grip and fall..

"You are a loser." Archer shouted from above her. Addison's eyes teared up, but she blinked her tears away and started again with a stronger determination.

Grip, pull up, swing, and fall…

Grip, pull up, swing, grab and fall..

Grip, pull up, swing, grab and ascend. Addison was at the second branch. She was excited and scared. She had never been up so high on her own. She grabbed the trunk tightly and waited there to catch her breath.

"Addison look there is a lizard on you head." Archer yelled and laughed wickedly when Addison lost her balance and fell back on the hammock.

"Gloria! Archer is troubling me." Addison complained, she was on verge of crying.

"Baby Addison, shall we go back to the cottage for our tea party. All your dolls are waiting for you to return."

"I am not a baby. I am six. I will climb the tree. Longer than Archer."

Grip, pull up, swing, grab, ascend, ignore Archer and yay. She was on top of the second branch again. Just one more branch and she could sit with Archer. No she wanted to go higher than her brother.

She blocked Archer out and concentrated on ascending to the third branch where Archer was sitting. She griped the branch, pulled up her body, lifted her leg to grab the branch but the branch started shaking. When all his tactics had failed, Archer started shaking the branch to stop Addison from joining him on the highest branch. She was almost their but lost her balance and dived down again.

She wiped her eyes and started again.

Grip, pull up, swing,

"Gloria, I am not paying you to watch my children getting injured." Bizzy's voice startled them all and Addison fell again.

"Get her cleaned up and dressed." Bizzy ordered Gloria and turned to the caretaker. "Bring my son down from that tree."

That evening Gloria lost her job, Addison and Archer got a long lecture on how responsible children should behave and Addison never got a chance to prove to Archer that she could climb a tree.

xx

Mark and Archer were a lot similar. Mark didn't leave a stone unturned to make her fall. He distracted her, he shook everything and then he handed her a chainsaw to uproot her marriage.

Mark was in Seattle, Derek punched him, she had to admit her infidelity to save Derek from getting suspended, Richard was disappointed, Derek was not even looking at her, Mark wanted her back, he was waiting for her at Joe's and she was sitting alone in the trailer, a foot away from where they stood intertwined in the morning. Holding the same mug. She bought his favorite brand of coffee on her way to work. After coming back home, she brew it exactly the way he likes and held the mug in front of him as a peace offering. But he walked passed her without even a glance at her or the mug. He hadn't said a word to her after leaving her with Mark in the elevator.

Derek punched Mark. Word on the street was that he punched Mark for talking with Meredith. Addison didn't believe that. She didn't want to believe that. When Derek caught Mark in bed with her, he shoot a cold glare and walked out. The shock must have numbed him. But when he saw him today, with Meredith, he jumped to action and threw a solid punch. But it didn't necessarily mean he did it for Meredith. Mark could have been talking to Bailey and still Derek could have punched him. She wanted to believe that Derek's reaction was ignited by her and not his intern. If they were still talking, Addison could have directly asked him. But since this afternoon Derek had completely blocked her out.

Grip, pull up, swing, grab, ascend aaaaand fall…

xx

When she returned to the cottage with Gloria, she could barely control her tears. But she very well new that good children do not cry in front of others. So she held back her tears while Gloria bathed her, dressed her in clean skirt and braided her long hair. She didn't cry when Bizzy scolded them, she maintained a brave face while she was sent back to her room for a time out. But as soon as her bedroom's lock clicked, she threw herself on bed and started sobbing.

"Don't cry Addie." She felt her brother's comforting hand on her back.

"Go. away." She said in between her whimpers.

Archer pulled her in a hug and stroked her hair. He had jumped back in protective elder brother's role.

"It's okay Dee Dee. We can play football together. I will teach you." Archer offered.

"No. I want to climb. Taller than you." She insisted letting out fresh stream of tears.

"You can climb. I will take you to summer camp. Mr. Peter will teach you to climb there."

"Really? I go to summer camp with you?" She jerked up and sat straight on her bed.

"Yes. You can come with me." Archer assured her oblivious to the fact that only Bizzy could take that decision.

"Promise?" She asked holding out her pinkie.

"Promise. Mr. Peter will teach you and you can climb higher."

Addison's glossy eyes shined with excitement.

"Archie, how you came here? Bizzy didn't lock you?" She asked realizing they both were in time out.

"I have magical powers." Archer boasted.

"Really?" Addison's eyes widened. "You learned them in the camp?"

"Yes. Mr. Peter gave magical powers to special boys."

"I want magical powers."

"If you stop crying and behave like a good sister, I will ask Mr. Peter to give you some power." Archer said kissing her cheeks.

"You are the bestest brother in the world Chi Chi!" Addison announced wrapping her arms around her awesome brother.

xx

She wished Archer really had magical powers. She wanted to be hugged and assured. She waited for Archer to emerge from nowhere and tell her that it was alright, she could climb again. She waited for Mark to call her or text her to admit that he was wrong, Derek still loved her, her marriage wasn't over. She waited for Derek to come to her and assure her that everything was going to be okay, they can get through this. She waited for fairy godmother to swing her magical wand and make all her mistakes go away.

Mark's words kept ringing in her head. "You can't base a marriage on a lie." "He deserves to know." "He is in love with his intern."

A bleep of digital clock on the refrigerator announced that it was mid-night. She should be in bed. She had an early surgery. But she couldn't summon her courage to go in there. She couldn't bear the disgusted look in Derek's eyes. There hadn't been any sound in the bedroom for quite a while. Derek could be fast asleep. But guilt overwhelmed her. She couldn't bear a thought of being in a same room with Derek while she kept such a big secret from him.

Mark was right. Derek deserved to know. But if he knew full extent of her infidelity, he would never want to stay with her. If she told him the truth, there was no chance for her marriage. She would have told him if her cheating was the only issue in their marriage. But their problems were bigger than that. She was grappling with growing apart, Derek falling out of love, her cheating and Derek being in love with someone else. Now was not the time to shake the boat. She should wait for the right time. She couldn't tell him while he was pinning over another women. The truth will just push him away in her arms. She needed to wait till he was over his intern, till he falls back in love with her, till he realizes that he can't live without her. Then he would be willing to understand, he would try hard to forgive her. Till then truth should remain covered.

Derek heard soft tip toeing in the kitchen. That was the fourth time. It was followed by slow creak of cabinet. The sounds could go easily unnoticed if one wasn't paying an attention. He wasn't, but he was a surgeon, with sharp senses. So he noticed. He also knew that the mug which Addison was holding didn't contain any coffee. He could identify the smell of his scotch from a mile away. That was a really good scotch. Richard had given it to him as a welcome gift. He wanted to save it for longer so he drank it only occasionally. In last six months he had finished just half of the bottle. But with Addison's speed, he wasn't sure if it will last for another day. He had to stop her. He got up and walked to the kitchen.

"It's late. Come to bed, you have an early surgery tomorrow." He said from the doorway. Even Bizzy showed more emotion in her voice than Derek currently did.

Addison nodded and lifted her mug to her lips.

"You have had enough drinks today." He said sternly pointing at the mug.

"I am not drinking. Its cof.." Addison tried to lie but she ate back her words when Derek fixed her with a glare which meant don't even try.

When Addison didn't make any move from her spot, Derek walked to her, snatched her mug and poured it down the sink.

"You better stop drinking and come to bed, unless you want to suffix alcoholic to the adulterous in your resumed." With that last remark, she switched off the light in kitchen and went to bed, expecting her to follow him.

* * *

To be continued –

Next Chapter: The infamous poison oak and the famous laugh/cushion fight and some gloom and doom in between. So stay tuned.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey all, I hope you still remember me and this story. I have no reasonable excuse for not updating this story for 8 months. At first I had a terrible block, I wasn't getting in mood to write sad Addek. Then I got super busy and blah blah. Some reviewers and PMs motivates me to resume this story. Thanks for your inspiration. I promise next chapter won't take so long. It's mostly written. I hope you lovely people forgive me for my hiatus.

So back to this story. Addison and Derek were getting along okay with each other but Mark showed...

* * *

"Addison this is ridiculous." Derek repeated his stance without making any attempt to hide his annoyance.

After spending better part of his morning looking for Addison, he had finally gotten hold of her but she remained veiled behind a curtain. If the gossip mill was to be believed, she reported for work later than usual, acting like a lunatic, cancelled all her surgeries, discharged Baily and went MIA after that. Derek tried calling her a few times but couldn't get through to her. Only Bailey knew her whereabouts. She didn't budge at first, but then took pity on him and escorted him to this examination.

"Stay where you are!" Addison adamantly demanded again from other side of the curtain. "Promise?"

"Okay I promise." If he wanted to quickly get over whatever this was, agreeing was better than arguing. Fifteen plus years' of experience had taught him that.

"I am going to show you something. And when I do, you do not get to laugh and you do not get to gloat." Addison started her preamble.

"Why would I gloat?" Derek countered. Addison's insanity was scaling up with every passing second. These days with his limited quota of patience, he was finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her. If she would just…"I have poison oak." Her announcement put a sudden break on his Addison bashing train.

"What!" Derek slid aside the curtain forgetting the promise he had made a few moments ago.

Addison cursed Bailey for making her do this. She was already humiliated enough for a lifetime. There was no need to face Derek and shred the last piece of her dignity. But maternal hormones had added to Bailey's stubbornness. She refused to go home until she was assured that the women who saved her baby had someone to take care of her. Addison highly doubted that Derek would be that person, but she let Bailey call the shots. So here she was laying miserable and pathetic in front of her sanctimonious husband. She grudgingly lifted her skirt and directed Derek's attention at her pelvis. Derek took a step closer, tilted his head slightly and bent down to peep inside her skirt.

"You indeed have a poison oak." He confirmed. ' _At the worst possible place.'_ He wanted to add but he swallowed back his observation. He found the situation hilarious, but doubted if Addison would see it that way. Addison hadn't looked so embarrassed since the hotdog thanksgiving. (If you asked him that was pretty hilarious too.)

"So are we even yet? Is this bad enough? Have I repaid my debt to the society? Derek?"

Addison started firing at him as if any of this was his fault. He fought hard to suppress his amusement but couldn't hold it down for long. When he saw a smile escaping Addison's lips, he burst out laughing. Addison threw a pillow at him pretending to be mad, but couldn't resist joining his infectious laugh. Seeing him laugh like this, made the horrible rash almost worth the pain.

He threw the pillow back at her, gave one more glance at her poison oak and then went to her bedside.

"Scoot." He said poking her hip.

"I can't. It's a small bed." Instead she pointed at a revolving stool in the corner for him to sit. But Derek unceremoniously pushed her aside and climbed in the bed beside her. He stretched his arm behind her, out of muscle memory and she settled back into him, out of muscle memory. It was routine, they had done this million times before. But Addison thanked the universe for giving her one more chance to have her husband's arm wrapped around her, especially after the dreadful day they had yesterday.

"So how exactly did you manage to get poison oak ….there?" Derek asked.

"I squatted in the woods to pee." Addison mumbled.

"What?" Derek pulled back to look at her face.

"Der, stop making me repeat my misfortunes." Addison groaned.

"Addie, stop adding to the list of World's Most Shocking wonders. There is limit to how much I can digest in a day." His wit earned him a smack on chest.

"But seriously? You peed in the woods? A Forbes Montgomery heir peed in open?" He almost fell off the bed laughing out loud.

"It's not funny."

"It IS funny. You just passed the ultimate test for being a Shepherd. It's a remarkable transformation from Princess Montgomery who tortured her bladder for eighteen hours on her first camping trip."

"I learnt my lesson after that trip." She admitted through gritted teeth.

"Good. So if you are comfortable in peeing under the sky, can we now resume our camping trips?" Derek asked, already knowing the answer.

"Derek! I got a terrible rash where nobody wants to have any. Forgive me for not being too eager for camping in the woods." She rolled her eyes. A little empathy would have been nice.

"Okay no camping trip for you. But why did you choose to release yourself out there? We have a decent toilet in the trailer." Derek prodded. Addison's behavior was completely out of character.

"You were upset and I wanted a moment away from your condescending glares." Addison muttered.

"Ouch. Is that why you were hiding from me the whole morning?"

Addison nodded into his chest. "I wasn't ready to face you, but Bailey forced me too..."

"What would you have done, if Baily wasn't here?" In New York, they always went to each other for all primary medical care. Treating close family members wasn't an advisable practice. But when your spouse was brilliant and professional, there was no need to consult anyone else.

"My second choice was Richard. Third and last option was you. I just realized that my friend list in Seattle is restricted to two."

"Seriously? Richard over me?" If she had approached him for help he wasn't sure how cooperative he would have been. But Addison completely bypassing him did hurt his ego.

"After the way you had been looking at me since yesterday, exposing my vagina to Richard seemed less humiliating than asking for your help."

Ouch. May be that hurt a little on some personal level as well. After eleven years of marriage they should be comfortable around each other in any kind of situation. But things had changed. It was Addison's doing. He wasn't going to apologize for reprehending her affair. He had a legitimate right to be angry. Angry would be a massive understatement of his mood, he was furious, up until he walked in this room. But then, seeing nature's poetic justice his anger melted away.

"Derek, Bailey said you were looking for me." Addison asked brushing her delicate fingers over his right hand which she knew was still sore from the punch.

"I was." Derek confirmed choosing not to share any additional details.

"Why?" She prompted hesitantly. The way he left in the morning she presumed he would go back to being a perfectly rude stranger to her at the hospital.

He contemplated telling her the truth, but decided against it. She was already in distress. There was no need to hurt her more. "I heard you cancelled your surgeries. I just wanted to check if you were okay." He answered getting out of the bed to return to work.

* * *

"So how's Mrs. Shepherd doing?" Derek enquired when he entered Addison's room few hours later.

"Itchy." Addison replied looking up from her patient's charts.

"And red and blistered" Derek added peeking under her skirt.

"You are not even trying to mask your disgust!" Addison complained taking offence at grimace on her husband's face. "You are a real gentleman Derek, making faces after seeing a girl's flower!"

"A girl? flower? Really? You are lucky you don't have to see that Corpse flower down there." Derek smirked, after pushing away all sharp objects out of her reach.

"Do you wanna unpluck my flower?" Addison asked chastely.

"No thanks." Derek responded nonchalantly, putting the bags down on the table in the corner.

Every time Derek opened his mouth Addison had an urge to hit him with a pillow or the instrument tray that he just pushed aside. She was wildly attractive, even with poison oak.

"Go f**k yourself. Anyway Mrs. Shepherd is closed for business for a while."

"How long?" He asked sitting across Addison on a stool.

"Depends on how I recover. But Bailey said at least 3 weeks."

"Are you sure?" He pulled out his blackberry and started typing. "Dr. Google says the rash goes away in 5 to 12 days. Tell Mrs. Shepherd that she is required to resume her duties in 2 weeks." He said putting his phone down.

"That's not happening honey. Mr. Shepherd won't be having any company for a while. Or you could entertain him yourself." She suggested slyly.

"Nah. Mr. Shepherd likes it when you look after him. I bet you have other tricks up your sleeve to please Mr. Shepherd." Derek leaned closer and whispered in her ear making her blush and giggle at the same time.

"We haven't talked about Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd in a very long time." Addison mused.

"That's because someone thought it was tacky." Derek was quick to point out.

"It is. But that someone doesn't mind bringing them up once in a while." Addison confessed dreamily. She was willing to try whatever it took to revive the spark in their relationship.

"Point noted. Can we have lunch now? I need to get back to work in 20 mins". Derek said, killing the mood.

"Sure. What have you got in there?" She asked sitting up straight in her bed.

"Pasta, focaccia bread and Kale salad from Corvo." Derek replied handing her the package.

"You drove for 30 mins to get my favorite pasta! That's so sweet of you! Thank you." Addison was touched by his gesture. She was finding it difficult to reconcile the man who looked through her in the morning and the man now standing in front of her who went out of his way to take care of her.

"Don't thank me. O'Malley picked it up." Derek clarified.

"Really Der? You sent an intern to fetch lunch for us?" She needed to hold back on jumping to wishful conclusions.

"Before you start lecturing me about using hospital resources for personal reasons let me point out that you have hijacked this exam room since morning making it unavailable for rest of the doctors."

"This exam room is perpetually reserved for OB. And I am not just relaxing here. I am reviewing charts, finishing some paperwork and getting updated on latest hospital gossip from Laura."

"You are Richard's golden child. Even if you stock up this room with your ridiculous shoe collection, he would look the other way. But I would probably get fired if I take 5 minutes extra for lunch break. He is already pissed at me because I didn't work much in the morning."

"Oh. Poor Derek. I will try to put in a good word for you." Addison offered stealing a bread from Derek's plate. They managed to have an uninterrupted lunch bantering about silly things. After lunch he went back to work promising to come back in the evening to give her a ride back home.

* * *

During Derek's evening rounds, as his squad approached Addison's wing he requested others to wait outside while he checked on his wife.

"Why are you paging me 119?" He hissed locking the door behind him.

"That was two hours ago." Addison remarked dodging his question.

"That was every half an hour. You paged me thrice." Derek said dangling his pager in front of her face.

"And you didn't respond to a single one." She added calmly. She wasn't complaining. She wasn't even expecting him to show up. But he did surprise her a few times today. And that gave her some courage to try their old trick. Well it didn't worked, but she managed to find some wicked satisfaction in her ability to get on Derek's nerves. At this point in their marriage she was willing to accept Derek's irritation over his constant indifference.

"I was in a surgery" He had told Addison he will be in ORs for rest of the afternoon, still she disturbed him. Thrice!

"It could have been an emergency." Addison argued.

"It wasn't." He dismissed her quickly.

"You don't know that." She countered.

"I _do_ know that. If it was a real emergency you would have paged 911 not 119." Derek pointed out smugly.

"Still you could have asked someone to check." She wasn't willing to back down.

"Sorry I was too busy in containing my embarrassment in front of my colleagues." He revealed the real cause of his irritation.

"Oh so now even my page embarrasses you. I didn't know I was so effective." Addison commented without losing her calm.

"I asked Stevens to check my pager. She was confused first, after second page she was convinced that it was an emergency and someone made a typo in panic. After the third one she started running for the ER." Addison chuckled picturing the scene in the OR.

"Don't laugh. This isn't funny. Do you have any idea how awkward it was to tell her it wasn't a work related page?"

"No I don't. Please enlighten me."

Derek picked up a can of orange juice from Addison's supplies before continuing his story. "Knowing it wasn't related to work wasn't sufficient for her. I had to clarify that it was a personal message."

"What's so embarrassing in that?"

"I am not finished. She is either too dumb to read clues or too nosey. Even after telling it was personal she persisted. I had to tell her that you had sent that page and it just meant that you wanted to meet." He explained and gulped large sip of orange juice hoping it would calm him.

"So when does the embarrassing part start?" Addison asked raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know about you but I don't enjoy broadcasting my personal life in my OR." He replied passing the can to Addison.

"Back at home everyone knew our secret code. You didn't feel embarrassed then."

Back at home they were Derek and Addison, the power couple. Everyone admired them. He joined Seattle as Dr. Shepherd. He was McDreamy, charming and presumed to be not married. Everything changed after Addison's arrival. People looked at him differently. He was no longer the McDreamy. Revelation of his married status tarnished his image as Dr. Shepherd as well. Since then he was trying his best to go back to his pre-Addison persona. And for that he had to avoid any indications of marriage at work. He got along well with Addison in private but he wasn't ready to go public yet.

"We are not at home. Things are different now. I don't want my colleagues to know about my married life and secret messages we share."

Addison understood what he really meant by Colleagues. Colleagues include a particular intern and her friends.

"Anyway what do want? Why were you paging me so desperately?" He asked, remembering he was in middle of his rounds and his team was waiting for him.

"I was bored." She said sheepishly.

"Seriously?"

She just shrugged.

"I am leaving. I have more important things to do than being your personal entertainer."

"Please don't leave me alone in this room. I am bored to death."

"Then review your charts, complete your paperwork, cleanup your inbox.."

"I finished all of that before lunch. I have nothing to do and no one to talk to." Addison whined.

"And I have patients to attend to." Derek retorted heading for the door.

"Derek!"

"I saw Richard wandering in the hallway, I will send him to babysit you." He shouted from the door and left quickly before Addison could trap him in another conversation.

In middle of his evening rounds Derek was pulled in a car crash emergency so he couldn't check on Addison for couple of hours. He couldn't imagine being confined in a room for a whole day without any contact with any patient. He could understand Addison's frustration but he couldn't ignore his professional responsibilities to cheer his wife.

When he went to her room late in the evening, he found her intensely staring at some printed pages in her hand. The pages were marked with yellow and pink post it notes. She had red, black and green ball point pens clipped to the pad. She picked the red pen, circled a word and started scribbling something in what he assumed as side margin. Emergence of her stationery kit meant she was working on a research paper.

"Are you publishing a new paper?" He asked catching her attention.

"Hey. I didn't hear you come in." She said collecting papers from the bed to make some place for Derek to sit.

"You were engrossed in your research. I didn't know you were writing something knew." Derek admitted. In last couple of years their communication as husband and wife wasn't at its best, but as fellow world renowned surgeons they always discussed their research ideas with each other first.

"It's not mine. Ron is working on a new protocol for prenatal care of HIV +ve patients. I am reviewing it."

"Ron?" Derek tried to remember Ron in Addison's department but couldn't remember working with anyone resembling that name. And he had barely taken any interest in his wife's professional life to know the people she worked with.

"Ron. Ron Baker." Addison clarified.

"Ron Baker! Baker from New York? Are you still in touch with him?" Ron Baker was Addison's fellow in New York. Addison and Baker were fond of each other and had quickly moved to first name basis. But Derek despised him and insisted on calling him Baker. Derek claimed that Ron had a huge crush on Addison but she always dismissed him saying it was just professional admiration. Derek moved to Seattle before they could settle that argument.

"Why are you reviewing his research? He doesn't work for you anymore." Derek asked going through Baker's protocol. Addison thought he was very promising, Derek thought he was okay. To start with he had used Calibri font for the paper. Who uses Calibri in serious research papers?

"We don't work together anymore but I decided to continue mentoring him. He moved from London to New York for pursuing a fellowship under me. He was disappointed when I moved here. I feel guilty for abandoning him so I decided to continue mentoring him from distance as much as I can. We talk every week to discuss the surgeries he had and I give my suggestions." Addison confessed. She hadn't held back this piece about Ron intentionally but Derek hadn't shown much interest in what she had been doing so she never got a chance to share this.

"Oh. It is very noble of you to keep your promise to your fellow."

Addison couldn't figure out if Derek was genuinely praising her or if it was backhanded compliment.

"Are you in touch with Walker?" Addison asked referring to Derek's fellow.

"Nah." Derek replied quickly. "I dreaded dealing with her even then. Why would I willing subject myself to that torture again?"

"Come-on Derek, she was just little competitive and ambitious." Addison tried to defend the other red head. People used to joke that Derek was stuck between two fierce red heads.

"You didn't work with her, I did. She was a blood sucking Dracula. She once cornered me to get on my surgery while I was peeing in men's room."

"You never told me about that."

"She was very pissed at me for leaving. She called me continuously in first few weeks and sent several mails. She didn't take my departure so well."

"I know. She barged in my patient's room and yelled at me for ruining her career. That was followed by some inappropriate words that weren't suitable for underage audience. My patients filed a complaint against me for the emotional trauma they suffered."

Derek was shocked to hear that. He also realized that this was the first time they were talking about New York or Derek leaving. They always avoided brining anything remotely related to that incident. He had no idea what happened in New York after he left, how Addison managed everything with his family and at work. They needed to have that conversation but he didn't want to scratch that wound yet.

"Edward didn't fire her after this?" His former chief was very strict when it came to professional discipline. He didn't tolerate any behavior which could harm hospital's reputation. Needless to say Derek wasn't in his good books anymore.

"No. He just gave her a warning. I suspect he secretly patted her back for doing what he couldn't. His attitude towards me completely changed when he learnt that I was the reason why he lost his star surgeon and potential successor."

Derek just nodded choosing not to comment on the matter.

"He even told me that if he has to choose between either of us, he would go with you." Addison added.

"Hmm. You have Richard on your side. If he has to choose, he would definitely go with you. He was completely restless today because his favorite attending was off the field." Derek brought up Richard to change the topic. He was okay handling neutral topics like coffee or surgeries or poison oak but not the real conversations.

"You ready to go home?" Derek asked stretching his tired arms.

Addison shook her head and slumped back in bed.

Derek raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I can't walk or stand. If I close my knees, the blisters brush against each other and pain horribly" Addison explained.

Derek looked at her sympathetically. "The rash would take a few days to dry."

"Laura had to restrain my hands in the afternoon to make me stop scratching. I think I should spend the night here. Wait till the rash dries."

"Okay then. You enjoy your night in stirrups and I will enjoy an Addison free night at home." He leaned down, brushed his lips over her cheek and went to collect his briefcase and coat.

"Derek wait."

He stopped and turned back to her.

"I will do grocery on my way. Do you want to add anything to the list?" He asked searching his blackberry for the list they had made few days back.

"I will have to stay home for two/three days. Please get more eggs and bread for my lunches. Would you bring me change of clothes in the morning?"

Derek nodded and made changes in the list. He was about to leave when Addison interrupted him again.

"Could you please sit down here for a minute?" She asked patting an empty space besides her.

"Wasn't I just sitting there for several minutes?" He teased her putting on his coat. He was tired and eager to surrender to the insanely soft linen on his bed.

"Derek please. I want to talk to you.. about..umm. about yesterday."

Derek's posture stiffened at mention of yesterday. He had pushed Addison's adultery under the carpet pretending the special appearance of her accomplish hadn't stamped over the peace treaty they had managed in last few weeks. Instead he focused on being a perfect doting husband to his unwell wife. But Addison took pleasure in pulling the rug under his feet and putting him in uncomfortable conditions.

"Please Derek." She requested again.

"Thanks but I will pass. I don't have to be uncomfortable just because you are." He said putting in great efforts to muster a friendly tone. He gave a final look over the room confirming everything Addison could need was in the room and reached for the door.

"Derek wait. You owe me a conversation." She demanded making him stop in his track.

"I don't owe you anything." He snapped. The words escaped his mouth before he could filter them. Among the numerous things he disliked about Addison, her sense of entitlement topped the list.

"It's your fault that I have a terrible rash at the most tender part of my skin"

"How is it my fault that your Forbes Montgomery upbringing doesn't enable you to identify poison oak leaves?" He countered fiercely.

"A Forbes Montgomery doesn't have to encounter wild poisonous bushes." She retorted instinctively. She had to defend her family even if she hardly feels any pride of her heritage. She wasn't going to let Derek take an unnecessary dig at her upbringing.

Derek raised an eyebrow, surprised by her defensiveness towards her family name.

Addison blew out a breath and sank a little lower in her bed. She didn't want to fight. She was hoping for an adult conversation, which seemed plausibly until few minutes ago. But when you are Addison and Derek...nothing is predictable.

"Derek please." She pleaded. "Don't you remember what Dr. Friedrich said? We can't make any progress by avoiding these issues."

He knew Addison won't stop nagging until she gets what she wants. He nodded reluctantly, pulled a chair and sat down. "Shoot." He said folding his arms across his chest.

* * *

So what do you think of my version of poison oak? When I had planned this story, poison oak was supposed to be a part of last chapter. But I love writing Addek's banters and trivial conversation so I had to split the originally planned chapter in three. I hope you bare with it all.

On a different note does anyone wonder why Derek was searching for addison in this episode on the show. He was pretty indifferent towards her the day before and in the morning and then when he spoke to Bailey that day he seemed pretty interested in his wife's whereabouts. I have imagined an excuse which i will reveal in next chapter, till then I will love to hear your theories.


	7. Chapter 7

"Derek please. I want to talk to you.. about..umm. about yesterday."

Derek's posture stiffened at mention of 'yesterday'. He had pushed Addison's adultery under the carpet pretending the special appearance of her accomplish hadn't stomped over the peace treaty they had managed in last few weeks. Instead he focused on being a perfect doting husband to his unwell wife. But Addison took pleasure in pulling the rug under his feet.

"Please Derek." She requested again.

"Thanks but I will pass. I don't have to be uncomfortable just because you are." He said putting in great efforts to muster a friendly tone. He gave a final look over the room confirming everything Addison could need was in there and reached for the door.

"Derek wait. You owe me a conversation." She demanded making him stop in his track.

"I don't owe you anything." He snapped. The words escaped his mouth before he could filter them. Among the numerous things he disliked about Addison, her sense of entitlement topped the list.

"It's your fault that I have a terrible rash at the most tender part of my skin"

"How is it my fault that your Forbes Montgomery upbringing doesn't enable you to identify poison oak leaves?" He countered fiercely.

"A Forbes Montgomery doesn't have to encounter wild poisonous bushes." She retorted instinctively. She had to defend her family even if she hardly feels any pride of her heritage. She wasn't going to let Derek take an unnecessary dig at her upbringing.

Derek raised an eyebrow, surprised by her defensiveness towards her family name.

Addison blew out a breath and sank a little lower in her bed. She didn't want to fight. She was hoping for an adult conversation, which seemed plausibly until few minutes ago. But when you are Addison and Derek...nothing is predictable.

"Derek please." She pleaded. "Don't you remember what Dr. Friedrich said? We can't make any progress by avoiding these issues."

He knew Addison won't stop nagging until she gets what she wants. He nodded reluctantly, pulled a chair and sat down. "Shoot." He said folding his arms across his chest.

"The interns think you punched Mark because he was talking to Meredith." She started tentatively. She had constructed and rehearsed her dialogue several times earlier in the day. But Derek's piercing gaze made her stumble. Derek knew she was nervous and he was enjoying having an upper hand against her.

She continued "They think you.."

"Addison I have no special insights into interns' psychic. If you want to gossip about interns I will send Laura in."

"Why did you punch Mark?" She pulled together her courage and asked.

"Seriously? You are demanding an explanation!"

"No I am not. I just want to know what made you punch him. He has done worse things but you never resorted to physical violence before. Then why now?" She explained nervously.

"I don't know." He shrugged.

"How can you not know?" She insisted.

"I am not Addison Montgomery. I don't know everything." He spat.

"Okay let me rephrase it. What were you thinking when you decided to hit him?" She asked again patiently.

"Would I have risked injuring my hand, if I had stopped to think?"

"Can you not give me a direct answer?"

"Can you not ask me indirect questions?"

"Fine. Did you punch Mark because he was talking to Meredith?" Addison asked directly.

"Yes I did." He replied bluntly.

"Oh." She took few moments to register his answer.

"Okay that's all I wanted to ask." She said blinking her eyes hastily. "Don't forget to pick groceries on your way home." She said indicating he was free to leave.

The medicine tray caught Addison's attention. She preferred arranging her medicines size wise. Tall antiseptic bottle at the back. Tubes in middle. Strips of tablets at the front. Laura had dumped all of it together haphazardly. Addison focused her attention on arranging the medicines in order while Derek sat there staring at her.

"Addison stop that. You wanted a conversation, now let's have one." Derek demanded moving the tray out of her reach.

"I have nothing to add to this conversation. He screwed your wife, in your bed, and you let him walk away. But he spoke to your girlfriend for two seconds and you risked your entire career by getting into a fist fight. What do you want me to say to that?" Addison asked meeting his piercing gaze with her teary one.

"Do you want to know why I was looking for you in the morning?" Addison didn't understand relevance of that in their current conversation but Derek continued without caring for her reaction.

"I wanted to share a news with you." Derek offered least amount of explanation just to get on Addison's nerves. He knew Addison hated suspense. She read last page of a novel first.

"And that news is?" Addison prompted him patiently.

"It's about your dear best friend and my ex-girlfriend." Derek added.

"Oh. Why didn't you tell me before?" She asked nonchalantly, trying not to let Derek's mind games affect her.

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings before."

"And now you want to." Addison challenged him. Clearly the man who was taking care of her until a while ago had disappeared.

" _You_ insisted on having a conversation!"

"Fine. So what was the news that sent you looking for me all over the hospital?"

"Yesterday Mark Sloan and Meredith Grey spent the evening together." He revealed with a crooked smile.

"Mark and Meredith?

"Yeah."

"Ohh. Mark and Meredith! They…they both are singles. They are free to hook up with…umm… whoever they want." She had turned him down. She made it clear that she still loves Derek. She and Mark were just friends, actually former friends. Mark didn't cheat on her.

"So what do you have to say on that?" Derek challenged her. He was furious when he first heard about their date or hook-up or whatever it was.

"Mark or Meredith's personal life doesn't concern me." Addison replied nonchalantly fixating her gaze on her wrinkled skirt. Mark is no one to her, there is no reason why she should feel betrayed.

"Really? So it doesn't bother you that your guy is interested in Meredith?" Derek persisted.

Addison just shook her head in response.

"Can you stop digging your teeth in your lip and look at me while you answer?" Derek demanded in a voice which he reserves for difficult interns.

"Why are you doing this Derek?" Addison asked looking at him with glassy eyes.

"I just want to know how you feel, _honey._ "

"Fine. You want to know how I feel? I feel like I am plummeting down a valley. I was hanging off a cliff, Mark was desperately trying to pull me up, but then.. he just gave up.. left me alone, to crash to eternal loneliness. That's how I feel Derek. Is that enough for you?" Addison answered fiercely.

"Addison!" Derek was shocked by her response. He wanted her to admit that Mark and Meredith's meeting bothered her. It bothered him. But he didn't expect such a dramatic confession.

"I have no right to feel this way." Addison continued, letting her tears roll down freely. "I am not proud of how I feel but..but it hurts. I feel betrayed. He could have been with anyone else. I don't care if he sleeps with entire hospital. But not Meredith. She has already got my husband's heart. She has her bunch of friends, whole hospital is rooting for her. I have no one. I just had an assurance that there was someone who thinks I am worthy of love. I had presumed that at least he would think that I am better than Meredith. I guess I should just prepare myself for Archer declaring her to be a better sister and Naomi calling Meredith her best friend." Addison sighed wiping away her tears in frustration. She knew she was being crazy and selfish but she didn't want to share Mark with Meredith.

"Do you want to know something funny?" Derek asked putting on his McDreamy smile.

In the fifteen years of their relationship, Addison never suspected Derek to be sadist. But he was clearly enjoying her pain. Addison tried to look for traces of her compassionate husband in the man sitting in front of her, but he was long gone.

"Addison, most of the times I find it difficult to connect with you. I fear that we have so much grown apart that there is nothing common left between us. But ironically, we can connect over our exes. I totally understand how you are feeling, because I feel the same way." Derek explained.

He felt betrayed when Linda told him that she saw Meredith and Mark together at Joe's. But Linda, Cristina and Joe all lashed at him for being jealous. They didn't understand why he was upset. That's when he realized that only Addison would get it. That's why he was looking for her in the morning, to unload his frustration on her.

"I didn't want Mark to lay his filthy eyes on her. He stole everything from me. I came to Seattle to get away from him, and you. I am building a new life free from Mark. He already had my wife, my family, my practice but Seattle is mine." Derek confessed clenching his wrist.

Mark was an integral part of his family. A pseudo son and brother. He didn't mind sharing his family with his best friend. Rather he appreciated extra hand in fixing the plumbing, carrying Christmas tree and scaring away boys who glanced at his sisters. They were Derek and Mark. Then their eyes met over a cadaver and they became Derek and Addison. At first he struggled between being Derek and Mark and Derek and Addison, but soon Mark discovered that once you get past her uptight shield, she was a fun girl and Addison realized that underneath his man-whoring there was a caring guy feeding on Shepherds' affection. And soon they became Mark, Derek and Addison. But Mark crossed his limit. He got his way with his wife and Derek was paralyzed in that moment to do anything about it. But he wasn't willing to let him repeat that with Meredith.

"I understand it now." He heard her mumbling.

"huh?"

"I understand why you punched Mark. I feel like pulling Meredith's hair and kicking Mark in the gut." She admitted.

"If it makes you feel any better, they didn't have sex. Joe told me that they just sat beside each other and chatted, mostly about us." He revealed casually. It was a big relief to learn that they just talked and nothing else happened. But he did undergo a lot of stress from the time he learnt about them till Joe clarified things. An evil in him wanted Addison to feel the same way.

Addison gave out a chuckle. "That is very uncharacteristic for both of them."

Derek met her eyes and gave a sad smile.

"Since we are being brutally honest, there is something I want to tell you about yesterday." Addison began and waited for Derek's reaction. After revealing the climax he seemed to have mellowed down a bit.

"Yesterday Mark asked me to go back home with me. He was waiting at Joe's for me." Addison confessed and braced herself for Derek's reaction.

"WHAT? I don't believe him. He claimed that he wanted to mend things with me while he was conspiring to break my marriage, again!" Derek shouted pacing the room. "Were you planning to go with him?" He stopped suddenly and asked.

"Of Couse not Derek. I love you. And that is what I told him." Addison clarified immediately.

They sat in the room in silence exhausted by the emotional stress. Addison kept picturing Mark and Meredith in the bar, laughing together, laughing at Addison, Mark assuring Meredith how much Derek loves her, assuring her that Derek and Addison's marriage was over. Derek tried not to picture Mark and Addison together, not to picture Mark instigating his wife to leave him.

"Why did you sleep with Mark?" He asked breaking the silence.

That question was haunting him since that night. At first he couldn't fathom the situation. Never in million years would he have expected his Addie to cheat. Once the reality sunk in, he tortured himself wondering why she betrayed him. The question was omnipresent, constantly poking his brain. He thought of it less often after meeting Meredith. But it never completely went way.  
He spent countless nights trying to figure out why. Everything was going well, they had envious careers, houses, family, friends and social life. They were a power couple, they had it all. Things hadn't been perfect towards the end, but that's marriage. There were bound to be few speed bumps. He had been a bit busy and hadn't been home as much as Addison would like. But she seemed to have made peace with it. They saw each other daily at hospital at least half a dozen times. Couple of days before the incidence Addison had ripped his shirt off in an on call room and made him forget Mr. Lynch's tumor. They had lunch together just few hours before she burnt down their marriage. He had explained her that the proposal for additional budget had to be finalized that day. Twenty percent of that was for neonatal. She understood and agreed to reschedule the dinner with Grahams. Chief finalized the proposal sooner than he had expected. There were other matters requiring his attention but he decided to head home early and surprise his wife. She was feeling neglected and deserved some pampering. But everything changed when he stepped on that jacket.

Addison kept looking at him blankly without giving any indication of whether she had heard his question.

"Why did you sleep with Mark?" He repeated calmly.

Addison wasn't prepared for this question.

"I don't know" She whispered looking down at her hands.

"Addison Montgomery doesn't know something? That's new!" Adison didn't miss the use of her maiden name. Addison Montgomery was Captain & Bizzy's daughter. Addison Shepherd was his wife.

"Okay let me rephrase it. What were you thinking when you decided to sleep with him?" He mocked her using her own words.

"Do you think I would have burnt down our marriage like that, if I had stopped to think?"

"May be not. But I am sure you have thought about what happened in detail after that night. So please enlighten me why."

Yes she had, almost every day. But she hadn't yet zeroed down on why she did it. On some sleepless nights she concludes that she is a horrible person and cheating is in her genes. On some nights she thinks that it happened because she is a slut who couldn't control her raging desire especially in company of a very attractive man. When she sees Derek looking affectionately at Meredith she concludes it happened because Derek was a terrible husband. And when she remembers Mark's soft eyes and protective hugs, she thinks it happened because she needed love and Mark was just there to give her that.

"I am an attention seeking whore!" Addison blurred out. There were times when Derek had strongly objected Addison using such words but today he agreed with a curd nod.

"So you spread your legs to Mark because you didn't get enough attention from me." Derek stated as a matter of fact.

Addison couldn't deny or accept that. She could understand why an outsider would see it that way. But the truth wasn't so simple. Nothing about her life was ever simple. It wasn't a secret in Addison's close circle that she craved for attention. She wasn't unfamiliar to being invisible in the Montgomery mansion. But everything changed when their eyes met over a cadaver. She didn't have to be lonely anymore. Derek was always there and then there was Mark, Naomi, Sam, entire Shepherd clan. She forgot how to be on her own. When Derek started pulling away she still had Mark. Sometimes she suspected that she cheated not because Derek stopped paying attention but because she was scared that Mark would stop too.

She was featured in New York's top 50 inspirational women. Derek had some important commitments for the whole week so she and Mark decided to celebrate without him. A waitress at the restaurant recognized Addison and started babbling about how comforting it was to see a woman can achieve professional success and a happy marital life. Addison didn't feel like busting the young waitress' dream of having it all so she didn't correct her when the waitress called Mark her handsome husband. Mark also played along and pretended to be Addison's proud husband. They continued their act even when the waitress wasn't around. Addison found herself blushing for no reason and Mark kept smiling a lot more than he usually did. Instead of dropping her on the street as he usually did, he parked his car and walked her to the door. He leaned forward to kiss her goodbye on cheek and she stepped closer to give him a hug. They ended up brushing their lips together, Mark immediately pulled back and left without a goodbye. She ignored the unfamiliar sensation on her lips and tried calling Derek for one more time.

Derek didn't come home that night. She saw her husband more in hospital hallways and doctor's lounge than in their own home. Mark used to drop by at their place almost every alternate day. But after that dinner he went into hiatus for a week. When Addison confronted him at the hospital he brushed her off saying he had no obligation to see her every day. He promised to watch a football game with her on Friday just to stop her nagging. But he met a very flexible dancer at some party and he got busy.

Derek had lost interest in spending time with her a long ago and now Mark was choosing his bimbos over her. That was when she started losing her mind. She tried everything from begging to bashing in order to get Mark to spend time with her. He offered to come for a while if Addison opened the bottle of Macallan which Derek was saving for years. He showed up as they had agreed but declared he had only half an hour for Addison. He acted distant and was disinterested in anything she had to say. He kept talking about the girl he had met and how miraculously flexible she was. Addison challenged that she was super flexible naturally even without any formal training. She then proceeded to show him how high she can stretch her leg and how easily she can bend backwards. She smirked when she saw Mark stealing few glances at her exposed belly when her shirt slid up. Addison made him admit that she was as miraculously flexible as his dancer bimbo. Mark did but also pointed out that Addison's miraculous flexibility was of no use to him, while he was free to do whatever he wanted to with his.. Addison didn't let him finish the sentence.

"I am sorry Derek. I never intended to hurt you. I was desperate and lonely. I missed you. When we got married, you promised me you will never leave me alone. But Edward gave you that offer and you completely changed. You abandoned me, you abandoned us. That offer spoilt our marriage."

In one of Derek's performance appraisal meetings Edward Patterson told him that he was planning to retire in few years. He had recommended Derek as his successor. If they selected him, he would be the youngest Chief of Surgery of 10,000 bedded hospital in United States. How could he pass that offer? Edward had candidly shared with him that the board had reservations. The board was of the opinion that a gifted surgeon like him was more valuable in OR than behind a mahogany desk. They wanted to give the job to someone who was more experienced, close to retirement and was dispensable in OR. Derek decided to take up the challenge and prove to the board that he could manage both.  
While looking back, Derek realized that was the time they started drifting apart. Addison didn't want him to pursue his dream.

" _This is a life changing opportunity for me."_

" _Edward is dangling a carrot in front of you just to dump his work on you."_

" _You are jealous because he considered me over you."_

" _I am not interested in being a Chief, not right now anyway."_

" _Sore grapes."_

" _We need to slow down. It's time to think about starting a family."_

" _It was time to start a family when you accepted your second fellowship."_

" _You encouraged me to take up the fellowship."_

" _Because it was important for you. I didn't want to hold you back. I would appreciate similar gesture from you."_

In the end he asked for two more years, she agreed but reserved the right to make fuss of it. Derek concentrated next two years in building up for the next stage of his career. That involved not just being a great surgeon but letting the board know how great he was. Publishing papers, mentoring young talent, volunteering on various committees, helping chief in budgeting, planning, recruiting. All of this without compromising on patient care. It meant putting in more hours, compromising family life. But the reward was glorious. It kept him going.

But he felt alone in this journey. Throughout his life he had a partner and then two who shared his ambition. They were always there for each other. But when he decided to pursue 'Chief of Surgery', their paths divulged. Addison and Mark left him alone in his conquer for the higher honor. Mark claimed he wasn't interested in paper work, Addison said her priorities were different. He suspected jealousy beneath that indifference. He couldn't anymore discuss his plans or struggles with his best friends. That's when he started drifting apart from them and found his mentor's company more useful. Addison never attempted to understand that he was investing his time for their better future. Mark didn't understand playing golf with the trustees was for building up connections. People not graced with Sloan or Montgomery names had to put in extra efforts in networking. Whatever little time he spent at home, Addison used it up in reiterating what a lousy husband he was. Gradually going home became less and less appealing.

He reasoned with himself that he hadn't left Addison alone. She had Mark. He was even grateful that his best friend was giving company to his wife while he concentrated on work. Often he found them snuggled on their couch watching some old movie. He didn't find anything objectionable in that, except the empty wine and scotch bottles on the side tables. Addison said she had it under control and he believed her. He believed everything was under control. Once he became chief, he would start delegating work, he would make it up to Addison for the lost time and finally they can start a family. What he didn't anticipate was his wife and best friend stabbing him in the back, destroying his whole world.

"Was it really the first time?" Derek asked in a low voice.

He had buried his face in his palms. Addison couldn't see his expression but the slight tremble in his voice showed how scared he was of her answer.

"Believe me Derek, it was the first time." Addison replied feeling grateful that Derek wasn't looking at her to catch her lie. And technically she wasn't lying. It was the first time. He didn't ask if it was the last time.

"What if I hadn't walked in on you that day?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I hadn't caught you in the act, would you have confessed it to me?"

"I honestly don't know what I would I done. I would like to believe I would have come clean with you. But I also believed that I would never cheat on anyone, especially the love of my life. But I did." She admitted honestly.

"Fair." Derek nodded realizing foolishness of 'what if' scenarios.

"There is no denying that you are an attention seeking whore and I didn't pay enough attention. But I was absent and Mark filled in for months. Then what went wrong on 23rd July 2005? What made you take such drastic step?" Derek asked genuinely wanting to understand Addison's side of story.

Contrary to what Addison and their therapist believed, Derek had attempted thinking from Addison's point of view. She claimed she still loved him. She knew every trick in Mark's playbook and often condemned them. Still she fell for Mark's game. He figured Addison must have been really upset or drunk to let Mark take her advantage.

Since that night, he had tried to recall everything he could to figure out if something had upset Addison. She was normal at lunch. He didn't talk to her after that but remembered seeing her massaging her temple while talking on phone with someone. Generally she got so worked up while talking to her parents. He also remembered someone talking about death of a preemie. He also remembered Addison dragging her foot towards an elevator as she prepared to go home. Subconscious memory is a big wonder. It stores things which your conscious memory doesn't even notice.

"Did you lose a patient?" Derek prompted when Addison responded to his earlier question with silence.

Addison shook her head which was bent low with shame. She succeeded in sending back her tears but couldn't control the tremble in her entire body.

Derek moved closer to the bed and held her hand. "It's okay Addie. We are just talking. I want to know what happened."

His tender words filled her eyes with fresh tears. He nodded encouraging her to open up.

"Nothing happened it was just an ordinary day." She admitted.

Addison saw Derek pulling back his comforting hand and running it through his hair. He was rerunning her words in his head. He often did that while evaluating key medical information.

"How drunk were you?" He asked after a long awkward silence.

"I had three sips of your favorite scotch." She answered and searched Derek's face for any sings of what was going on in his mind. He continued running his right hand through his thick hair and started pinching top of his nose by his left hand. He then covered his face in palm and sat still like a meditating person.

"Derek please say something." Addison pleaded but Derek just slowly shook his head refusing to look up.

"Derek I am so so so sorry. I was desperate and I wasn't thinking and…"

"Let me get this correct. Nothing terrible happened to you that day, you weren't upset, you weren't drunk still you could not reject Mark's advances." Derek said looking at her with glossy eyes.

Addison wanted to kill herself for putting that pain in Derek's innocent eyes. She was tempted to let Derek believe that he was correct. That's all there was but she was tired of all the lies. She shut her eyes, tightly clenched railing of her bed for some courage and confessed.

"That isn't correct. Mark didn't make any advances, I made the first move."

Derek looked like he was seeing a ghost. She was a Satan, Addison couldn't agree more.

"No. You won't do that." Derek said jolting up from the chair.

"You didn't do that." He repeated shaking Addison's shoulders.

Both of their cheeks were soaked in tears. Addison's tears were of extreme guilt while Derek's tears were out of extreme anger.

Deep down in his heart he had assumed that Addison must have had valid excuse for her mistake. He hadn't yet given her a chance to explain because he wasn't ready to forgive her. He had thought once they talk, Addison would win his heart back. But their relationship took the worst turn after this conversation.

"Derek" Addison called touching his arm. Derek pushed her hand away "I don't recognize you. Who are you?" He words were filled with disgust.

"Derek…"

"Just SHUT UP." He shouted picking up his briefcase from the floor. He couldn't look at her anymore. Every time he looked at her he felt nauseous. It was better to leave before he gives in to the urge to physically hurt her.

"You are free to go back to NewYork to your man whose if you want." He announced as the door slammed behind him.


End file.
